My Philosophy.

If you’re no longer happy with what you’re doing, you’ll suck. if you keep on trying, you’ll suck three times. And if you stay longer, surely, all hell will break lose. Banking was not really my line… can somebody tell me what the heck am I still doing here???!!!

I don’t want to regret what happened last march. After reading my previous blog, I was soo determined to get out and now I don’t know what went wrong. I’m still here. Opportunity knock only once. I should have grabbed that. Stupid lil chicken me. I backed out. And now this is the prize I have to pay. A prisoner forever trapped in Alcatraz. They're slowly consuming my youth until i drained out.

zero lovelife + disrupted career = I'M THE LONELIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD!
NOW That's Bull*!

Places I visited this year:
-Joy’s wedding at Bugallion, Pangasinan.
-Baguio trip with Chim
-Canadian Consultant with Sheryl.
-Our Lady of Manaoag Church with Straw for spiritual healing/soul searching.

counting the days...

this past few days were really hard for me. whether to stay or go, it will be an important decision that will change my life forever. one wrong move, and everything that i hoped, planned and prayed for will be over.

life's an endless journey. im so thankful to God that along the way, i've met genuine people, people who'll never let me down, people who'll be just there no matter what. i've learned that friendship is a life time commitment, and when i say forever, it'll be forever, no letting go.

sometimes you just have to walk away. no explanations. you just have to.

its really hard to go when there's holding you back. its hard to leave when you're leaving someone so dear behind. its hard to start over again. im scared, i dont know if leaving equitable for metrobank will be worth it. i dont know if im making the right move. i dont know if ill be happy there. i'll surely miss everyone--ma'am nina, ma'am joy, sir paolo, vangie, kuya dolpo, kuya edward and carrie. im counting the days...

God please give me strength. I know you'll never lead me to a wrong path. Everything happens for a reason. Thank you for giving me a chance to work with such remarkable people. i learned so much from them. and they'll always have a special place in my heart.

i dont know if i'll say my goodbye to him... i dont see a reason why i have to. all has been said and done between us. i know he already moved on. he's happy and if i make a move to communicate with him again, it will ruin everything. but i just have to say what i feel right now... eventhough through this journal.

...hi.. its been awhile emir.. i just want you to know that i never regretted knowing you. you're the only person who made me feel special. you're the only person who saw my worth. it's hard for me to leave because i know, this will be the "real ending" of our story. if only i could turn back time, we could have done something, but we're both scared to fight for what we felt. i know there's no use telling you this, but i just have to, because i still care for you. as we go on our separate ways, i wish you all the best and happiness. thank you for everything. i'll never forget you. i'll never forget everything..

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LOOK AFTER YOU by:The Fray

If I don’t say this now I will surely break
As I’m leaving the one I want to take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be My Baby
I’ll look after you

There now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you won't you, be the one I always know
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow IT down

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
I’ll look after you

If ever there was a doubt
My love she leans into me
This most assuredly counts
She says most assuredly

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
I’ll look after you
I’ll look after you

It’s always have and never hold
You’ve begun to feel like home
What’s mine is yours to leave or take
What’s mine is yours to make your own

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you

it sucks when you:

-want something so bad but you just cant have it.
-lost your self-esteem.
-you're always the one who's left behind.
-meet the wrong person you thought who's right for you.
-commit the same mistake.
-talk to yourself most of the time.
-make a wrong move.
-used to being in the comfort zone.
-fight with your whole heart but you end up losing.
-believed in a liar.
-want to say something but no one's listening.
-you're almost there, but not really.
-want to move on but something's holding you back.
-want to get out... but you just can't.
-tied to something that no longer makes you happy.
-lost your will to go on.
-feel hopeless.

Realizations.

1. AMLA TRAINING. Went to head office early this morning to take up anti money laundering law and as a new accounts clerk, I learned/realized that I should be more cautious about my work, especially when it comes to account opening. It is important to know your customer well, report suspicious transactions, and follow the BSP rules. Negligence to the law has its appropriate sanctions and penalties, and it may lead to 7-14 years of imprisonment. (oh man.)

In short, DO YOUR JOB RIGHT!

2. I FOUND OUT THAT ONE OF OUR CLIENTS HAD DIED. she died last night because of diabetes and her body was cremated hours after she’s gone.. I realized that life is too short to live. Every minute of it must be enjoyed. I don’t care if my officemates calls me “squatter” –I have no respect, I act like I don’t have breeding, I talk in a vulgar manner—according to them. I felt depressed for a while because I feel degraded. But that’s me. If I’ll worry what other people thinks about me, then I wont live at my own freewill. I’ll be forever tied to an “image” and be forever living in their shadows.

If I cannot accept who I am, then nobody will.

3. EMIR’S SHADOW. I was asked by my manager to go to EL Punsalan’s to get something from Mrs. Noche, but I refused. She gave me 2 choices, go to emir’s place and do what I was told, or she’ll transfer me to another branch. I don’t have to choose though. The second one was very much in my favor. It’s not that I still have feelings for him as they say. It’s just that for me, when it’s over, it’s over. There’s no use of seeing him anyway. It will make the situation worse. And I’m not bitter! I’m okay now. So please, please, I want them to stop teasing me and just leave me alone…

4. COPING UP WITH DEPRESSION. It’s hard when you ran out of reason to stay to something you used to love. The more you hang onto it, the more it pulls you down. It’s always my fault, it’s always me who’s wrong. It’s always me to blame. I’m getting tired of this. I don’t know how to start believing in myself again. My confidence now is extremely low. The problem: I’m no longer happy with my job.

2.0.0.7.

what to expect? Another start of a new life. Plans and goals should be met. Bad habits should be lessen and eventually be eliminated to my system. And what are those bad habits I’m talking about? Being lazy, not keeping promises, mañana habit, etc.—ahh.. same old shits. I should get rid of those before they consume me. Must get out of my comfort zone. Oh please God, help me through this…
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They say that this year will be a tough year for the boars, well, good luck to us.
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it's been almost a year since my last post. and though my heart was crushed then, here i am still alive though a little broken inside. nah! im not in the mood for sentimental stuffs. its over now, and im glad.

and so i decided to keep this blog. i decided to write again my feelings, my insights, my personal opinions over matter and things. hoping when i read what i wrote here, i already learned something from it.
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lately ive been into the music of urbandub. i think gabby alipe (the band's vocalist) is a genius, composing those songs, the lyrics really gotten into me. and i cant help but sing it over and over and over my head... awaken this sleeping heart of mine.
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FRAILTY by: urbandub

This bottle is bringing me down No comfort for me in this town All the faith in these eyes Lost the glow and just dies I pray, redeem this heart And be here now. In this war The tears in my eyes says it all Put all of my faith in you now WHEN ALL OF THE WORLD SAYSWE WONT MAKE IT THROUGHWE'LL BATTLE TH WORLD. I feel so ALONE The situation’s desperateUNTIL I'VE FOUND MY LIFE AGAIN I DROWN So SAVE ME NOW Breathe new life in me… I greet the morning sky The sun dries tears in my eyes AWAKEN THIS SLEEPING HEART OF MINE AND BE HERE NOW...Awaken this heart.

once again...

...i was broken. though i tried to pick up the pieces, i dont have the strength to do so. im losing hope. and i am close to giving up. i dont know how long i'll suffer from this injury you caused me, i dont know if i'll ever get by. i'm scared... scared to found out that you already moved on with your life, and once again, i'm the one who's left behind...

i dont want you to go. i want us to go on forever, whatever you call this kind of feeling, love or some kind of emotional pleasure.. it felt so damn good.. but we both know, this has to end. this wont work out.

i know its really stupid to wait for you. i'm still waiting for your call though, hoping you'll remember me once in a while cuz surely im thinking of you all the time. still wishing one day you'll come back to me and we'll start over again. here i am, wishful thinking again.

im still in love with you emir.. i really want "us" to work believe me. but sometimes love is not enough. im letting you go now..

this is me... loser! sucker! whatever

Still don’t know what to do with this stupid life. I have my dreams, I have my hopes… I still have my faith. But whatever I do, whatever plan I make, it seems so pointless.

I have a wonderful family. I have a work. I have good sets of friends. So what the heck is wrong with me??!!

A lot. First, my timidity is swallowing me whole. I’m a submissive-introvert-abstract-feeler person. I have difficulty in showing people my true feelings. I’m just there in the corner, sitting, waiting for shit to happen. I won’t talk to you if you don’t talk to me. I wish I have the “personality” and “attitude” like any other normal being. Unfortunately I don’t have the “guts”. Sometimes I want to kick myself for being sooo like this. I wish I was someone else. I hate myself. I really suck.

I’m not that “good” like people were saying. You see me always smiling. While deep inside I’m so tired of faking and trying to please others. I’m so conscious about what others will think about me. I guess that’s the problem. I don’t want to have a negative impression. I don’t want others to say bad things about me. So I try to please them instead. Try to do whatever they want without hesitation eventhough my pride is at stake. Pathetic. Double-faced, backstabber hypocrite bitch. Yep, that’s me. For fuck sake. I’m doing this for all my life. And I’m so tired of it. I want to change. I want to be free. I want people to know the real me. if they don’t like me, then be it. I don’t give a fuckin care about them. I want to enjoy my life. I just want to live my life to the foolest… oh I mean, to the fullest. Hahaha!!

GUTS + ATTITUDE = NEW ME

Sounds easy huh? I know exactly what to do. It’s just that I still can’t get out of this “comfort zone”. I’m afraid to try new things. Shut up ana! Get up and don’t let it beat you. It takes time and bravery to change. Have the courage. Nobody will do this for you. Now is the time. Go!

Here I am again motivating myself. It’s about time.