---FRAILTY---

My Philosophy.

2007-10-21T06:34:00.000-07:00

If you’re no longer happy with what you’re doing, you’ll suck. if you keep on trying, you’ll suck three times. And if you stay longer, surely, all hell will break lose. Banking was not really my line… can somebody tell me what the heck am I still doing here???!!!

I don’t want to regret what happened last march. After reading my previous blog, I was soo determined to get out and now I don’t know what went wrong. I’m still here. Opportunity knock only once. I should have grabbed that. Stupid lil chicken me. I backed out. And now this is the prize I have to pay. A prisoner forever trapped in Alcatraz. They're slowly consuming my youth until i drained out.

zero lovelife + disrupted career = I'M THE LONELIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD!
NOW That's Bull*!

Places I visited this year:
-Joy’s wedding at Bugallion, Pangasinan.
-Baguio trip with Chim
-Canadian Consultant with Sheryl.
-Our Lady of Manaoag Church with Straw for spiritual healing/soul searching.

counting the days...

2007-03-04T04:56:00.000-08:00

this past few days were really hard for me. whether to stay or go, it will be an important decision that will change my life forever. one wrong move, and everything that i hoped, planned and prayed for will be over.

life's an endless journey. im so thankful to God that along the way, i've met genuine people, people who'll never let me down, people who'll be just there no matter what. i've learned that friendship is a life time commitment, and when i say forever, it'll be forever, no letting go.

sometimes you just have to walk away. no explanations. you just have to.

its really hard to go when there's holding you back. its hard to leave when you're leaving someone so dear behind. its hard to start over again. im scared, i dont know if leaving equitable for metrobank will be worth it. i dont know if im making the right move. i dont know if ill be happy there. i'll surely miss everyone--ma'am nina, ma'am joy, sir paolo, vangie, kuya dolpo, kuya edward and carrie. im counting the days...

God please give me strength. I know you'll never lead me to a wrong path. Everything happens for a reason. Thank you for giving me a chance to work with such remarkable people. i learned so much from them. and they'll always have a special place in my heart.

i dont know if i'll say my goodbye to him... i dont see a reason why i have to. all has been said and done between us. i know he already moved on. he's happy and if i make a move to communicate with him again, it will ruin everything. but i just have to say what i feel right now... eventhough through this journal.

...hi.. its been awhile emir.. i just want you to know that i never regretted knowing you. you're the only person who made me feel special. you're the only person who saw my worth. it's hard for me to leave because i know, this will be the "real ending" of our story. if only i could turn back time, we could have done something, but we're both scared to fight for what we felt. i know there's no use telling you this, but i just have to, because i still care for you. as we go on our separate ways, i wish you all the best and happiness. thank you for everything. i'll never forget you. i'll never forget everything..

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LOOK AFTER YOU by:The Fray

If I don’t say this now I will surely break
As I’m leaving the one I want to take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be My Baby
I’ll look after you

There now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you won't you, be the one I always know
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow IT down

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
I’ll look after you

If ever there was a doubt
My love she leans into me
This most assuredly counts
She says most assuredly

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
I’ll look after you
I’ll look after you

It’s always have and never hold
You’ve begun to feel like home
What’s mine is yours to leave or take
What’s mine is yours to make your own

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you

it sucks when you:

2007-02-22T03:43:00.000-08:00

-want something so bad but you just cant have it.
-lost your self-esteem.
-you're always the one who's left behind.
-meet the wrong person you thought who's right for you.
-commit the same mistake.
-talk to yourself most of the time.
-make a wrong move.
-used to being in the comfort zone.
-fight with your whole heart but you end up losing.
-believed in a liar.
-want to say something but no one's listening.
-you're almost there, but not really.
-want to move on but something's holding you back.
-want to get out... but you just can't.
-tied to something that no longer makes you happy.
-lost your will to go on.
-feel hopeless.

2007-01-29T04:17:00.000-08:00

Realizations.

1. AMLA TRAINING. Went to head office early this morning to take up anti money laundering law and as a new accounts clerk, I learned/realized that I should be more cautious about my work, especially when it comes to account opening. It is important to know your customer well, report suspicious transactions, and follow the BSP rules. Negligence to the law has its appropriate sanctions and penalties, and it may lead to 7-14 years of imprisonment. (oh man.)

In short, DO YOUR JOB RIGHT!

2. I FOUND OUT THAT ONE OF OUR CLIENTS HAD DIED. she died last night because of diabetes and her body was cremated hours after she’s gone.. I realized that life is too short to live. Every minute of it must be enjoyed. I don’t care if my officemates calls me “squatter” –I have no respect, I act like I don’t have breeding, I talk in a vulgar manner—according to them. I felt depressed for a while because I feel degraded. But that’s me. If I’ll worry what other people thinks about me, then I wont live at my own freewill. I’ll be forever tied to an “image” and be forever living in their shadows.

If I cannot accept who I am, then nobody will.

3. EMIR’S SHADOW. I was asked by my manager to go to EL Punsalan’s to get something from Mrs. Noche, but I refused. She gave me 2 choices, go to emir’s place and do what I was told, or she’ll transfer me to another branch. I don’t have to choose though. The second one was very much in my favor. It’s not that I still have feelings for him as they say. It’s just that for me, when it’s over, it’s over. There’s no use of seeing him anyway. It will make the situation worse. And I’m not bitter! I’m okay now. So please, please, I want them to stop teasing me and just leave me alone…

4. COPING UP WITH DEPRESSION. It’s hard when you ran out of reason to stay to something you used to love. The more you hang onto it, the more it pulls you down. It’s always my fault, it’s always me who’s wrong. It’s always me to blame. I’m getting tired of this. I don’t know how to start believing in myself again. My confidence now is extremely low. The problem: I’m no longer happy with my job.

2.0.0.7.

2007-01-07T01:26:00.000-08:00

what to expect? Another start of a new life. Plans and goals should be met. Bad habits should be lessen and eventually be eliminated to my system. And what are those bad habits I’m talking about? Being lazy, not keeping promises, mañana habit, etc.—ahh.. same old shits. I should get rid of those before they consume me. Must get out of my comfort zone. Oh please God, help me through this…
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They say that this year will be a tough year for the boars, well, good luck to us.
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it's been almost a year since my last post. and though my heart was crushed then, here i am still alive though a little broken inside. nah! im not in the mood for sentimental stuffs. its over now, and im glad.

and so i decided to keep this blog. i decided to write again my feelings, my insights, my personal opinions over matter and things. hoping when i read what i wrote here, i already learned something from it.
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lately ive been into the music of urbandub. i think gabby alipe (the band's vocalist) is a genius, composing those songs, the lyrics really gotten into me. and i cant help but sing it over and over and over my head... awaken this sleeping heart of mine.
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FRAILTY by: urbandub

This bottle is bringing me down No comfort for me in this town All the faith in these eyes Lost the glow and just dies I pray, redeem this heart And be here now. In this war The tears in my eyes says it all Put all of my faith in you now WHEN ALL OF THE WORLD SAYSWE WONT MAKE IT THROUGHWE'LL BATTLE TH WORLD. I feel so ALONE The situation’s desperateUNTIL I'VE FOUND MY LIFE AGAIN I DROWN So SAVE ME NOW Breathe new life in me… I greet the morning sky The sun dries tears in my eyes AWAKEN THIS SLEEPING HEART OF MINE AND BE HERE NOW...Awaken this heart.

once again...

2006-07-26T05:23:00.000-07:00

...i was broken. though i tried to pick up the pieces, i dont have the strength to do so. im losing hope. and i am close to giving up. i dont know how long i'll suffer from this injury you caused me, i dont know if i'll ever get by. i'm scared... scared to found out that you already moved on with your life, and once again, i'm the one who's left behind...

i dont want you to go. i want us to go on forever, whatever you call this kind of feeling, love or some kind of emotional pleasure.. it felt so damn good.. but we both know, this has to end. this wont work out.

i know its really stupid to wait for you. i'm still waiting for your call though, hoping you'll remember me once in a while cuz surely im thinking of you all the time. still wishing one day you'll come back to me and we'll start over again. here i am, wishful thinking again.

im still in love with you emir.. i really want "us" to work believe me. but sometimes love is not enough. im letting you go now..

this is me... loser! sucker! whatever

2004-10-22T23:24:00.000-07:00

Still don’t know what to do with this stupid life. I have my dreams, I have my hopes… I still have my faith. But whatever I do, whatever plan I make, it seems so pointless.

I have a wonderful family. I have a work. I have good sets of friends. So what the heck is wrong with me??!!

A lot. First, my timidity is swallowing me whole. I’m a submissive-introvert-abstract-feeler person. I have difficulty in showing people my true feelings. I’m just there in the corner, sitting, waiting for shit to happen. I won’t talk to you if you don’t talk to me. I wish I have the “personality” and “attitude” like any other normal being. Unfortunately I don’t have the “guts”. Sometimes I want to kick myself for being sooo like this. I wish I was someone else. I hate myself. I really suck.

I’m not that “good” like people were saying. You see me always smiling. While deep inside I’m so tired of faking and trying to please others. I’m so conscious about what others will think about me. I guess that’s the problem. I don’t want to have a negative impression. I don’t want others to say bad things about me. So I try to please them instead. Try to do whatever they want without hesitation eventhough my pride is at stake. Pathetic. Double-faced, backstabber hypocrite bitch. Yep, that’s me. For fuck sake. I’m doing this for all my life. And I’m so tired of it. I want to change. I want to be free. I want people to know the real me. if they don’t like me, then be it. I don’t give a fuckin care about them. I want to enjoy my life. I just want to live my life to the foolest… oh I mean, to the fullest. Hahaha!!

GUTS + ATTITUDE = NEW ME

Sounds easy huh? I know exactly what to do. It’s just that I still can’t get out of this “comfort zone”. I’m afraid to try new things. Shut up ana! Get up and don’t let it beat you. It takes time and bravery to change. Have the courage. Nobody will do this for you. Now is the time. Go!

Here I am again motivating myself. It’s about time.

2004-10-12T04:52:00.000-07:00

As days goes by, I am starting to understand the flow of my work. In three months, I must learn everything about New Accounts. There were times I want to give up, but then I thought of the days I was looking for a job with friends and waiting for companies to call. Boy, that was really devastating.

----------------------------------

"i don't mind spending everyday... out on your corner in the pouring rain. look for the girl with the broken smile... as her if she wants to stay awhile... and she will be loved... and she will be loved..."

hope mr. right will drop by at our branch one of these days. *sigh*

sigh

2004-10-11T03:52:00.000-07:00

Good reasons of letting you go.

-You’re soo insensitive.
-it’s always my fault.
-You’re expecting too much.
-I can’t stand it when you say bad words to me.
-u always complain about other people.
-You keep bringing up my mistakes.

I hate it. If you can’t change for me, well I can’t change for you too. Damn it. This is what I want. To get out. To be free again. to live a normal life. I wish I hadn’t met you. Sucker.

Shit. If you really love me, fight for me. don’t tell me you’re giving up now? what about us? do you really want to end it this way? huh?! i thought u love me... i can't wait for you that long.

"set your love one free... if he comes back he's yours..."

yeah.. right.

it's over

2004-10-10T00:40:00.000-07:00

I broke off with Ace last night. Finally I’d given up. I did my best to save this relationship. But whatever I do, I never seem to satisfy him. I can’t meet his expectations. We both know, how hard we try, it wouldn’t work. I'm gonna miss him maybe.

I’ll get by…

eventually…

...I hope.

It must have been love... but it's over now...

2004-10-06T04:36:00.000-07:00

should i panic now?!

bummer. how can i save money if all this expenses keeps on coming?! i went to Let's Face It again for my follow up check up. i bought an acne cream which costs P150 and made facia treatment for P110. plus i have to pay my mobile bill, that will be around P2000 for this month and for the previous one. crap. my savings were gone. i dont have money left. time to go to my folks! hehee..
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ms. yogi will be absent on friday. her son, matthew will be having an affair at his school for the united nations day. he will be representing italy. oh my gosh. i cant do all the transactions alone. somebody help me!!! im gonna freak out. please bear with me.. oh Lord.
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speaking of matthew, i just talked to him (tado) a couple of minutes ago via yahoo messager. he is already working as an accounting staff at aluminum group a month ago. well, good for him. he's looking for a girlfriend. of course, he's joking. what a moron. he never changed. he's still the same green minded sex freak insensitive jerk. and that's waht i liked about him...

whhhaaatttt???!!!!

2004-10-01T21:05:00.000-07:00

wait, before i go, just checked Ramon's blog (of course he doesn't knew it) and stole this pic from his page.

check this out:

would you believe this was AVRIL LAVIGNE?! im no hopeless case. ahahahaha!!!

Barely Breathing

2004-10-01T19:36:00.000-07:00

La Salle won over FEU. It only shows that rich people are dominating everywhere. Bullshit. Money makes the world go round, which is supposed to be “LOVE” that makes the world go round. Money is the stupidest fucking thing ever created. I hate rich people. I hate the way they act. I hate the way they live. I hate the way they talk. I hate the way they manipulate and look down on people. I just hate everything about them.

“hey megalomaniac you’re no Jesus, yeah you’re no fucking Elvis. Special as you knew yourself, maniac, step down step down step down!!!!”

--------------------------------

so far, so good. My co-employees are nice. Ms. Yogi continues to train me (and I hope she won’t get tired of me). I am learning more each day, but I still can’t relate on bank transactions. Duh. I get pressured most of the time especially when Sir Andrew is around observing my actions. I feel stressed out thinking I must learn everything. I’m a lil bit confused sometimes, but I’ll get used to it if I’ll do it everyday. Just like what Sir Richard told me. His advises helps me. I feel at ease.

For a week, I learned to:
-Update client’s passbook.
-Make client’s profile and acct. no.
-Update PVV No. at ATMs
-Encash payrolls
-Debit/ credit blah blah
-Branch Forms
-Print Account Statements
-SDBs

i always have my notes with me. My notebook is my life. if i dont have it by my side, I'm DOOMED!!!I forgot how to do the Manager’s Check, I’ll master it someday for sure. Haha!! Anyways, I got my first paycheck last Thursday. (PhP3,500 not bad?) I was forced to order pancit bihon, barbecue, and puto because my officemates were teasing me. I was obliged to do so. Hehehe!!! It felt good. Sir Andrew bought additional ice creams and softdrinks for everyone. He’s kinda nice and really appealing (which makes me more intense), but intimidating sometimes. I withdrawn PhP1,200 and gave it to my father. That’ll be my monthly contribution in our house (but I still feel that it wasn’t enough). I gave my siblings PhP100 each. Sir Richard told me now that I have a job, I will learn how to budget money. He is indeed correct. And can’t wait for the next payday! Yey!!!

I’m planning to go to Let’s Face It, a local facial center here. I’m starting to have small pimples maybe because of stress. I’m starting to panic!!!! I feel so ugly this week. How can I find my future love of my life if I’m looking like this?! I can’t even comb my hair because I don’t have time to do so. And they’re laughing at me cuz I’m shaking most of the time. I’m intense. See? I told you my stupidity and moronic attitude might show up anytime. Thank goodness I still have my savings. I still have money. Hmm… I’ll buy some clothes as well. So ciao for now!

cash culture

2004-10-01T18:03:00.000-07:00

Are you tired of going to work everyday living off that one pay check from week to week, having to save up to go out with your friends? Tired of telling your kids maybe next year? Well I can pretty much Guarantee that you have two friends that feel the same way and that those two friends also have two friends that would also agree and so on...Now what if I told you you had an opportunity to make some real money! Would you be willing to take the next step? Do you really want to change your life or are you satisfied with what you have and where you are in your life?

I have learned in life there are three types of people..
1. People who watch things happen
2. People who dream of things happening.
3. People who make things happen.

Which group do you fall under?

Welcome to my L I F E

2004-09-25T23:48:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you?
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me...

To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over?
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles
And stupid lies
While deep inside your bleeding
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me...

To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be ok
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work
It was always there
You don't know what it's like
What it's like

To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life

Is this thing for real?!

2004-09-25T02:06:00.000-07:00

So after the six-day-training, we have to report on our own prescriptive branches and start working there as a probationary. I wasn’t able to finish my 6th day because I was infected with sore eyes and it took me another day to recover from it. I called Sir Andrew, my branch manager early that morning to say that I will be absent. He sounds somewhat irritated and arrogant, but who the hell cares!

Because of the early medications, I managed to start my first day yesterday. It was my first real job. We were only 8 in our branch. 2 female tellers (Joy and Abby), 2 guards (Rolly and Edward), 2 male officers (Sir Richard and Sir Andrew), and 2 female new accounts (Yogi and ME!!). Sir Andrew was absent yesterday. All of them were about on their early 30’s and all of them were already married. Ms. Yogi was the one who’s teaching me about my work. And I don’t seem to catch up. I don’t know anything about banking. Fuck it. I’m loosing my sanity. Hhheeellllpppp!!!!!!!!!!!

All of them were nice. Since they’re all married, they like sharing green jokes, to which I can relate. Ahaha!! They were organized and systematic that’s why we finished all the paper works and reports before 5pm. A client bought us a rice cake. Ms. Joy and I ate some, while the others played cards. Ms. Abby’s husband, Randy, came over that afternoon. I heard that he is a seaman and just arrived last Thursday. They invited me to a dinner at Glorietta. I was shy of course. It was my first day though, but they say I don’t have to be ashamed of.

The dinner was good. The foods were absolutely delicious! My stomach was really full. I want to eat more, but my intestines were about to explode. Hehe! I felt out of placed sometimes, but that’s normal. They’ve been together for more than 3yrs and here I am popped out of nowhere, what do I expect? I just hope they’ll like me…

Sir Richard offered me a ride. He gave me some advices and tips regarding my work. He told me that I shouldn’t rush things. I can’t learn things all at once. Step by step. One by one. I should learn from the basic. Not from the top. Especially not from the middle or else I might loose direction and won’t learn anything at all. It’s useless. I should start from the bottom, then to the middle, eventually things will be easy for me and I’ll reach the top. Patience and perseverance. I should not be contented on the information given to me and if I’m not sure of what I’m doing, I should ask. I should have a mind-set to reach a certain goal at a certain time.

I also learned that he and his family will be migrating to Canada in the next 2yrs. They don’t have any relatives there so they consulted an agency and the agency will be the one who’ll arrange everything for them, including visas, passports, legal documents, etc… and all they have to do is to pay. They have to spend almost PhP600,000 for it. I’m wondering, how long will it take me to save that amount when I’m only averaging PhP6,500 per month?!

after talking to Sir Richard, i realize a lot of things. and i know i'll learn more from him the following days. i'm still scared. but i must face my fears and conquer my dreams. no guts no glory.

To sum up things:
-I’m growing up
-I’m maturing
-I must understand what’s the New Accounts were all about.
-I must work hard
-I must save money

Shit. I wish I have the power to forward time so that by that time, I know everything about banking. This will be a long month for me. and I just hope I’m still normal, I’m still in shape, and I still can talk the next time I posted an entry here. Wish me luck.

Bank-teller-in-training

2004-09-15T04:50:00.000-07:00

Yep. I’m hired!!! So spread the good news everyone! (if there’s any) hehe. I’m quite nervous about my training tomorrow. Hope everything will turn out good. And I hope there’ll be no cute guys in there. Oh lord, that will surely distract my attention!

Okay, so my life is starting to change. From a professional bum, to a soon to be one of Equitable PCI Bank’s premier teller. Haha! Never in my wildest dreams that I thought I’ll be a teller someday. i’m gonna miss my bed, my tv, my computer, my life being a bum. But I can’t stay like that forever. I must pull myself back together so that I can work for myself and for my family as well.

My brain is kinda rusty, cuz my previous job doesn’t require me to think. I just have to be in front of the computer, browse some good sites and log-in at friendster. I have to carry my cellphone all the time cuz my cyber boyfriend might text me, I have to reply to his messages asap. I have to have the remote control of our tv before my siblings came home from school or else, I won’t be able to watch the shows that I want to see. i can have break time anytime I want. No uniforms, I can wear any kind of dress. I can use the bathroom from time to time. And the best part of it? I can wake up late. Even if I don’t wake up, it’s alright. Hehehe!!! No pending papers, no insane psycho boss, no gossipmonger officemate…

I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, or the next day, or the next next day….. I’m scared that I might do some silly things, for I’m already used to being a bum. I’m afraid that my stupidity and moronic attitude might show up. i'm afraid to mess up everything. Holy crap. God help me.

"Goodluck ana! may the force be with you."

I'D DO ANYTHING

2004-09-06T02:13:00.000-07:00

by: Simple Plan

Another day is going by
I'm thinking about you all the time
But you're out there
And I'm here waiting
And I wrote this letter in my head
'Cuz so many things were left unsaid
but now you're gone
And I can't think straight
This could be the one last chance
To make you understand
yea

I'd do anything
Just to hold you in my arms
To try to make you laugh
Somehow I can't put you in the past
I'd do anything
Just to fall asleep with you
Will you remember me?
'Cuz I know I won't forget you

Together we broke all the rules
Dreaming of dropping out of school
And leave this place
to never come back
So now maybe after all these years
If you miss me have no fear
I'll be here
I'll be waiting
This could be the one last chance to make you understand
And I just can't let you leave me once again
yea

I'd do anything
just to hold you in my arms
to try and make you laugh
cuz somehow i cant put you in the past
id do anything
just to fall asleep with you
will u remember me?
cuz i know i wont forget you...

I close my eyes
And all I see is you
I close my eyes
I try to sleep I can't forget you
nanana nanana
And I'd do anything for you
nanana nanana na......

I'd do anything,
just to hold you in my arms
to try to make you laugh
cuz somehow i can't put you in the past
I'd do anything
just to fall asleep with you
to fall asleep with you, with you...yea
I'd do anything
to fall asleep with you
I'd do anything
There's nothing I won't do
I'd do anything
to fall asleep with you
I'd do anything
Cuz I know I won't forget you

Ace

2004-09-05T02:42:00.000-07:00

i went to Paul’s school yesterday to get his report card. It was supposed to be one of our parents doing the obligation but since they can’t make it because they’re both committed to their works, I should shoulder the responsibility for I was the eldest sibling. His teacher said that my younger brother is doing well at his class. He almost made it to the honor students if it wasn’t for his MAPE teacher who gave him a low score of 82.

I am planning to visit the church before going home but it was under construction so we (I was with Paul) headed to Greenwich instead. I bought a Smart Sim Card and ordered a small pizza and coke for Paul. He deserves that for doing his job well as a student. We take out the order and went home with a smile on my face thinking how Ace will react to my wicked plan.

“hi. Somebody sent me a business card indicating your number a while ago. I can’t trace who sent it. maybe we knew each other. What’s your name anyway? Please reply. Thanks.”

I was excited at the same time, anxious as I sent the message to Ace. I used my new mobile number. He’s completely clueless who’s tripping him. Hehehe! If he gives in to this, it’s over…

He replied… “What’s your name?”

“I’m Sheena. And you are?” I think Sheena’s a cutesy girlish name. I really liked names starting with “Sh”. Weird but I expect him to flirt with me (Sheena).

“I don’t know you. Bye.”

Huh??! There’s no way he can turn an aggressive girl down. “really you don’t know me? hmm…. Then maybe you can get to know me better. Can I be your textmate?”

I am waiting for a positive answer. A simple Yes would mean a lot. But…

“Sorry I’m not looking for a textmate. I don’t need that.”

I felt I was slapped. Really hard. But I am still not giving up. “But why? You’re so mean. I’m not that bad. Can we be friends?”

“Because I already have a girlfriend. I am loyal to her so get lost and find someone whom you can bug.”

Wow I felt I was given a knock out punch by Muhammed Ali. So I tried again, hoping to caught him cheating on me. “So what? Who is she anyway? I won’t take you away from her. We won’t get caught. She wouldn’t know it, right?”

He didn’t reply. I feel ashamed for a while but I feel happy that he didn’t fell for my trap. and I have proven his loyalty to me. I could not ask for more. sometimes I’ve been so mean to him. I don’t reply to his messages. I don’t answer his calls. Often times I’ve been so cold to him. everytime he tells me he loves me, it makes me sick, honestly. There were times that I’m thinking ways on how to break up with him. I feel that it is not love that we felt, but we’re both just indulging ourselves because of the loneliness we feel inside. I’m such an idiot if I let him go. He doesn’t deserve that. Now I realize how lucky I am to have someone like him… ask me again if I love him…. definitely, absolutely, certainly YES… and I can’t afford to loose him now, now that I found someone who loves me more than myself… even though we haven’t actually met. Is it really possible? It happened to me, it happened to him, it happened to both of us. =)

He told me that we could last forever if we both try. He told me he’ll fight for me no matter what. he assured me that he truly loves me, that he’ll do anything for me, he loves me more than himself and his world revolves around me. I know little about ACERICK BARCAYAN. He’s a 21 yr old student of Airlink, taking up Aerospace Engineering (wow). He’s living at Tarlac with his auntie and cousins. His parents were separated. His mother left them and went to Japan and nowhere to be found. He doesn’t care. His father is in the US right now and already has a family of his own. Though his father continues to support them, he needs more than that. He hates his evil stepmother. He thinks that that wicked bitch is poisoning his father’s mind. (and I really hate her too!!!) Ace has a spoiled brat younger rebel brother who’s also studying at Airlink. After class you’ll find his brother drinking beers on their boarding house together with his alcoholic friends and Ace can’t do anything about that. He don’t want to mess up with his sibling for they are the only ones left. Some of his relatives are on UK together with his grandparents. He loves hardcore rock music and is a die hard fan of Metallica. He likes old school’s styles with long hair and beards something like that. Yuck I really hate that!

i'm bored

2004-09-01T23:43:00.000-07:00

Being a bum is not that bad. I can indulge on everything… food, sleep, non-stop television, text, internet for hours… now that’s what I call LIFE. No hustles, no worries, live like a princess cuz I’m still supported by my parents…and the best part of it… I can do anything I want without thinking about unfinished jobs. Bwahahahahaha!! Aint I’m one lucky girl?!

Fuck it off.

I want to get out of this shit. This laziness of mine continues to lurk me in. i hate myself for that. I want to get a job. I want to help my family. I want to earn my own money. I want to open my own bank account. I want to get out of this freaking country before the economy sink. I hate Arroyo. If ever I’ll meet her on the streets one of these days, I’ll shave off her hair, blame everything to her, tell her how much she sucks and kick her ass out of this country. Damn. How insensitive people can be? She’s no hope. She’s no savior. She’s no good. She can’t do anything. Just get out of the throne!!!

Oh boy

2004-08-31T22:52:00.000-07:00

Hahahaha!!!!

I read my previous blogs. My grammar was awful. I sounded like a pathetic moron trying hard dork. I can’t even understand what I wrote. Heck, was that really me?? LOSER!!!

More fucking revelations coming up!

********

CONFESSIONS
say what you want…

5. I have these erotic fantasies every morning
I go to the bathroom cuz I wet my panties again (hahaha!)

4. I hate talking to Jen.
It’s always about Jen and how great her boyfriend “Erwin” is. I’m so fed up I want to vomit. hey, i'm not that bad...

3. I hate Jocelyn’s sick psycho paranoid boyfriend, Aldrin.
I never really liked him. He’s an imp. He’s the only person who can make me fume with anger.

2. I still look at Kelvin’s profile at Friendster.
Too much pain, too much agony, I want to end this suffering. He’s happy now with his new girl. And me? scared, alone, and haunted by my past.

1. I already have a boyfriend.
He’s name is Ace. We’ve been together for a month. I met him at mychat. I can say that he’s sincere to his words though we haven’t met personally. He’s nice but kinda weird sometimes. Ask me if I love him… I’m still figuring out how…

wOw

2004-08-31T20:01:00.000-07:00

...it's been a year since i started posting on this blog. oh man we've been through a lot. reminisce... reminisce... reminisce.... huhuhu...

this site is the other half of me. duh. im not in the mood to write. hehe.

2004-08-31T19:49:00.000-07:00

shit...

i changed the templates and this is how it looks like now...

freaking messed up!

i kinda like the effects though..

2004-08-31T19:10:00.000-07:00

*********
Still can’t believe that my grandmother left us. She had gone to the heavens and reunited with our Lord God Almighty. Yes, she’s dead. She left without a sign, without a warning. It happened so fast. I wish I had done something to save her. It is her time though..

August 4 at around 6pm, mommy was rushed to the hospital because of asthma attack. Her heartbeat was gone for a while but was revived by the doctors after pumping out her lungs. Since then, we never saw her awake. There had been a brain damage. And there’s no chance left. The oxygen was the only thing that keeps her breathing.

My father and I journeyed to Mindoro to visit her. Mama was already there, my aunties and uncles, my grandfather. They were all there watching for the unconscious mommy. I can’t believe what I saw. She was lying there at the emergency room. Her face was plumped and her throat a bit enlarged because of the tubes that were taken in and out of her body. She’s wearing an oxygen mask. Mama was talking to her, “Mommy, Kristine and Fely are here. Wake up so we can go home now… please wake up… let’s go home”, then she burst into tears. I want to talk to her but I don’t have enough courage to say the words I want to say. I just held her hand so hard, hoping for her fast recovery…

My grandfather was always beside her, whispering words of love and undying devotions. He strokes her hair with his hand softly; full of care and affection. I can say that they love each other very much. If it is hard for us, it is much harder for daddy. The pain of seeing the person you loved for almost 45 years dying each day is totally unbearable.

Many people came to visit her, relatives, friends, former students, co-teachers, and those she had helped. Mommy is a good person, and she had touched many lives. One visitor said, “I wonder why good people are the ones who are taken away?”, because their task here on earth has been done... and that is to give service to fellowmen and be like Christ.

Finally on August 8, 2004, Sunday at 11am, mommy went to her unveiling faith. After receiving her last Holy Communion, she stopped responding. My auntie and I were in the house at that time, and then we received a phone call from the hospital.

I opened the door and saw everyone crying. I wonder what’s happening. What’s going on here? My cousin Keith told me “Ate, mommy is gone.” I almost drop my jaw. It took me several seconds to absorb what she’d said. My eyes were heating up, tears flow on everyone’s face. I can’t stop crying. Her oxygen mask was removed. The apparatuses were taken out of the room. And so as mommy… she’s gone. She left us. Her sufferings came to an end. Her life here on earth is over.

I still cry once in a while. I remember when my brother Mark and I were young. Mommy was always there for us. She’s kinda strict. I remember waking up early each morning to pick sampaguitas, mommy will stitch them together to turn them to a necklace then offer them to Mama Mary. I always accompany her to the market before, then she’ll buy me anything I want, I just have to point it and I’ll have it. Hehehe! I have a lot of good memories with her. And I’ll always miss them. This may sound bias but she’s my favorite lola. Though your physical body was gone, in our hearts, you’ll always stay alive. We will always miss you mommy. Thank you for everything… We will never forget you…

2004-08-31T19:04:00.000-07:00

FIRSTS :

-First best friend: can’t recall
-First car: shell formula 1 miniature, in short, a matchbox
-First date: Erwel Derain. Damn, cant believe I wasted my time on that jerk.
-First breakup: Kelvin Brown. it was really traumatic.
-First screen name: damaged_gurl @ mychat.
-First self purchased album: Boyzone (geez! I sucked)
-First funeral: My grandmother’s… a couple of days ago..
-First pets: I hate animals!
-First tattoo: Power Rangers’ fake tattoos.
-First credit card: My mom’s extension card.
-First enemy: The group of mean boys when we were still leaving at Leon Guinto.
-First musician you remember hearing in your house: Madonna.

LASTS :
-Last cigarette: I don’t smoke.
-Last car ride: we don’t have a car (too bad!)
-Last kiss: Never been kissed!
-Last library book checked out: can’t remember…
-Last movie seen: Dodgeball with Ronita
-Last beverage drank: Fundador and redbull =)
-Last food consumed: Fried chicken
-Last crush: Matthew So
-Last phone call: from my mom
-Last shoes worn: My favorite rubber shoes
-Last cd played: Detain (collections of various artist—which is of course, a pirated one)
-Last item bought: Summer Fireflies for only P45.00!!!
-Last annoyance: Ace, my sms boyfriend
-Last disappointment: Duh! I’m not yet ready to commit. I can’t handle the pressure
-Last shirt worn: orange Giordano shirt
-Last website visited: Friendster of course!
-Last words you said: “I’m tangled…”
-Last song you sang: “all I ask is just a little honesty though I know that you’re not coming back to me…you know I’ll do anything to make you stay… but I just have to let you go… if the feeling is gone…”

-What is in your cd player?: pirated cds =)
-What color socks are you wearing: not wearing any
-What color of underwear are you wearing?: violet panties with lose garters
-Whats under your bed?: lots of junks… rats and cockroaches I guess?
-What time did you wake up today?: 7:00am

FUTURE :
-Where do you want to go?: To US or Canada with my best buddy Ronette
-What is your career going to be?: a-soon-to-be-bank-teller-duh-!
-Where are you going to live?: in my dream house
-How many kids do you want?: one or two
-What kind of car: expedition or pajero

CURRENT :
-Current mood: bored to death.
-Current music: Butterfly by Crazy town
-Current taste: nothing-Current hair: wet. Just took a nice bath
-Current clothes: my p.e. uniform three years ago
-Current longing: my grandmother
-Current desktop picture: some kind of waves
-Current favorite artist: too many to mention
-Current book: Summer Fireflies
-Current color of toenails: none
-Current time wasting wish: watch an *** films (nyahahaha!!!)
-Current hate: being jobless

-My name is: Ana
-I may seem: depressed, without energy
-But I'm really: an intelligent, thoughtful and loving person.
-Sometimes I feel: alone-In the morning I: daydream =)
-If I could be doing anything right now I would be: a good job
-Money is: the stupidest fucking idea ever.
-One thing I wish I had is: Money and happiness and hope and true love
-One thing I have that I wish I didn't is: A mental problem called depression
-Love is: like magic that binds two people together. You can’t force it; you can’t fake it. It’s unpredictable.
-If I could see one person right now it would be: My grandmother.
-Something I want but I don't really need is: a colored phone with built-in camera
-Something I need but I don't really want is: A JOB!!!
-I live for: my family, my dreams and my hopes
-I am afraid of: being alone for the rest of my life; not finding mr. right; not achieving my dreams; not being there for my family.
-It makes me angry when: people tends to be insensitive

Done!

2004-08-27T23:54:00.000-07:00

A	Ambitious
N	Natural
A	Appealing

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

2004-06-07T00:09:00.000-07:00

men are naturally perverts. i thought matthew was different... well, he asked me a while ago if i want to do IT with him. i thought he was just joking but when he told me that whatever happens, it's just between the two of us <--meaning he's serious. i was really turned off by that. he really blew it this time. this is the sign ive been waiting for. starting today, at this very moment, at this very time... i'm cutting it off. i'm not that kind of girl. i wont fall for that. never again....

2004-05-30T05:47:00.000-07:00

***The one I gave my heart to***
by aaliyah

How could the one I gave my heart to,
break my heart so bad?
How could the one who made me happy
make me feel so sad?
Won't somebody tell me,
so I can understand?
If you love me, how could you hurt me like that?
How could the one I gave my world to
throw my world away?
How could the one who said "I love you"
say the things you say?
How could the one I was so true to
just tell me lies?
How could the one I gave my heart to
go and break this heart of mine?
Tell me...

How could you be so cold to me,
when I gave you everything?
All my love... All I had inside.
How could you just walk out the door?
How could you not love me anymore?
I thought we had forever!
I can't understand!

How could the one I shared my dreams with,
take my dreams from me?
How could the love that brought such pleasure
bring such misery?
Won't somebody tell me?
Somebody tell me please!
If you love me,
How could you do that to me?
Tell me... (wohohhooohh hey hey, hey hey, mMmMmm, yeah yeah)

How could you just walk out the door?
How could you not love me anymore?
I thought we had forever!
I can't understand...
no I can't understand!!

How could the one I gave my heart to,
break my heart so bad? (break my heart)
How could the one who made me happy (you made me so happy)
make me feel so sad?(owooh eyeah)
Won't somebody tell me, (won't u tell me)
so I can understand? (so i can under stand)
If you love me,
How could you hurt me like that? (how could u hurt me)

How could the one I gave my world to
throw my world away? (throw my world away)
How could the one who said I Love You
(you said you loved me but you didn't love me)
say the things you say?
How could the one I was so true to
(yeah u did)just tell me lies? (u told me lies)
How could the one I gave my heart to,
make me feel so sad?(heeeey eah)
How could the one I gave my heart to,
break my heart so bad?
tell me, ohhmmmmmm tell me....

matthew how could you do this to me?? you left me hanging in the air. you left me without even warning me. boy u really broke my heart... and i hate you for that! :{

2004-05-26T19:42:00.000-07:00

get the hell out of my life. i dont need you. stop invading my mind. i dont care. im tired of over-thinking. i know you wouldnt dare. is this love? definitely NOT. im just obsessed. im just addicted. all i need for now is a rehabilitation. i want to go to some place where i can contemplate a lot. i just want to get rid of you out of my system.

i wish i didnt known you. i wish i hadnt spoken to you. i wish i hadnt chatted with you that day. damn. you're making me crazy. you're making me sick. i know i'll get over this somehow. i dont want this "feeling" that im feeling. *sigh* i really want to forget you. all the things we used to talk to. i really want to get over you. i dont know why our roads have crossed. there's a good reason for this for sure. God help me...

2004-05-21T19:28:00.000-07:00

I am wasted… I am depressed…. I am hurt…. I am broken…. I am tired…. I am betrayed… I am worn-out…. I am injured…. I am wounded… I am damaged….

I am alone. Nobody cares for me. Nobody thinks about me. Nobody knows how I feel. Nobody dares to ask what’s up with me. Because nobody loves me.

What I’ve written about Matthew a couple of days ago… I take it back.

2004-05-17T04:36:00.000-07:00

Colourblind

Feelin' blue, while I'm trying to
forget the feeling that I miss you
Feelin' green, when the jealousy swells
and it won't go away in dreams

Feelin' yellow, I'm confused inside
A little hazy but mellow when I feel your eyes on me

Feelin' fine, sublime
When that smile of yours creeps into my mind

Oh oh

Nobody told me you'd feel so good
Nobody said you'd be so beautiful
Nobody warned me about your smile
You're the light, you're the light
When I close my eyes
I'm colour blind

You make me colour blind

Feelin' red, when you spend my times
with your friends and not me instead
Feelin' black, when I think about
all the things that I feel I lack

Feelin' jaded, when it's not gone right
All the colours have faded, then I feel your eyes on me

Feelin' fine, sublime
When that smile of yours creeps into my mind

Mm mm

Nobody told me you'd feel so good
Nobody said you'd be so beautiful
Nobody warned me about your smile
You're the light, you're the light
When I close my eyes
I'm colour blind

You make me colour blind

Blinded by the light you shine, the colours fade completely
Blinded by you every time, I feel your smile defeat me

I'm colour blind
I just can't deny this feeling

Nobody told me you'd feel so good
Nobody said you'd be so beautiful
Nobody warned me about your smile
You're the light, you're the light
When I close my eyes
I'm colour blind

Nobody told me you'd feel so good
Nobody said you'd be so beautiful
Nobody warned me about your smile
You're the light, you're the light
When I close my eyes
I'm colour blind
You make me colour blind

I'm colour blind

2004-05-17T02:44:00.000-07:00

Ang "TADO" ng Buhay Ko

This guy is really driving me nuts. We were former schoolmates at CEU but didn’t have the chance to know each other. All I know is that he was Lester’s side kick, we used to call him “the guy with the white cap”, and everytime I saw him I call Jocelyn because Jocelyn has a crush on him.

We accidentally met at MIRC. We chatted for 30mins. We exchanged numbers. I called their house once. We chatted about nonsense things on yahoo messenger for hours. And presto! I’m in ecstasy!!!!

He calls me “Kupal”(something like Idiot) and I call him “Tado” short for “Tarantado” (something like Moron). Hehehehe! Although some people might find it insulting, I find it sweet.

He hasn’t seen me yet, which is odd because we studied at the same school, took up the same course, and bumped at each other almost everyday. Or much better, maybe he already seen me but doesn’t really know me. Tarantado talaga! Hehehe! He told me he asked his friends about me… I don’t know what they’d told him but I wish all were good things. I was just amused because nobody had been that eager (??) to know information about me. And what really surprised me is that he found out that I had a crush on his friend Lester. It was a top-secret secret. I don’t know if it was Chim who told him but her name was involved. If Lester found out…. I’m dead like meat!

I know this thing wont last… but for now…

He’s everything I want… he’s everything I need… he’s everything inside of me that I wish I could be… he says all the right things at exactly the right time… but I mean nothing to him and I don’t know why….

I finally met who I wanna meet…. Now I have a Reason….and that is you… Matthew A. So…

2004-05-07T05:51:00.000-07:00

I'm Chandler Bing from Friends!

Take the Friends Quiz here.

created by stomps.

2004-05-02T19:45:00.000-07:00

After 8 long years… I finally met my old classmates at Scuola yesterday. Faith, Julius (now known as Strawberry), Mark and me met at Glorietta. After eating lunch at Mcdo, we met Leziel and Lyn. We went to G4 to take some pictures, and then stayed to Starbucks for a while. Leziel hadn’t changed…she’s still the same old funny bubbly frank Leziel. Lyn is much more prettier now. She’s the lead vocalist of her band, “The Pink Potato”…. Hahahaha!!! Julius, I mean, Strawberry, is still the same except for the fact that he had a live in partner for a year with a mean guy and now according to him, I mean her, the relationship had ended. Mark improved. Hehehe! Good for him. And finally Faith, the reason of all this happenings, she never changed. We haven’t talked a lot. She was supposed to be my bestfriend way back our elementary days… but I’d never really been a good friend to her. I’m still ashamed of what I did before. Maybe I’m just insecure coz all of my crushes had a crush on her.

After the short talk at Starbucks, we headed to Crocodile blah blah (I can’t remember the name) at Greenbelt and drunken San Mig Light. I felt dizzy. Hehehe! Guess I’m not used to drinking anymore. Then they asked me how’s my love life been (duh!). obviously I can’t tell them any coz I don’t have any. And surprisingly, they all offered me help---they will all look for me! Hahahaa!! That’s insane!

Jenny called and told us to wait for her. Lyn must go back to Harrison (her mom’s playing bingo there. Actually she’s grounded but made her way to meet us anyway. She told her mom that she’ll just rent a computer nearby. From Harrison to Glorietta… Whatta strategy!) and she can’t wait for jenny any longer. So we decided to go back to Malibay (our hometown) to visit some of our classmates and go to jenny’s house afterwards.

First house was Nerissa’s. Unfortunately she’s not there but her auntie leaves us her contact number. Next was Daniel’s, Faith’s love team way back before. We waited for Daniel for a couple of minutes. I can say that Faith is really nervous (including Julius?!) He finally arrived. We all teased Faith. Hehehehe!!! Unfortunately, he already had a wife. (awww…..shucks! the love team was now officially broken after 8 long years) He was not as hot unlike before. Almost majority of our girl classmates (count Strawberry in!) had a crush on him. He matured. He’s still nice. And good thing, he remembered us all.

All of us were frustrated… frustrated becoz The Faith and Daniel’s Love story had finally come to an end. We all thought that if Faith and Daniel meet, something magical would happen. No one could ever tell.

Next stop was at Kristine’s. a lot of gossips were opened about her. Now it’s time to know her side. Unfortunately, she just left 2 weeks ago with her husband to Dubai. We’re all shocked. Well, the gossips were true afterall. No need for confrontation. Hehehehe!!!

It’s about 6:00pm when we reached Jenny’s house. It’s her brother’s birthday so a lot of foods were served to us. Hehehehe! Julius is still complaining about Daniel and Faith is still speechless. Some were still shocked. And me? I don’t care a thing. We planned about the reunion, how to contact some of our lost classmates, etc… etc…. Faith’s dorm had a curfew so she had to leave early. Mark accompanied her for he was her tour guide. Heheheh!

Here’s the most awaited part………

After the two left, we moved to a nearby computer café and rented pc. Julius, I mean, Straw, texted Carlos if he wanted to meet up. He said yes. Then we waited for him to show up for an hour but still no shadow of him. Then Carlos called me!!!! He told me that “they” are at our school and “they” are waiting for us. “They”???

We went there and from a far we saw a tall guy and a petite girl. That’s him! That’s him! As we were approaching, I feel weird. Suddenly I become conscious about how I look, I’m excited and nervous. Actually, I can’t walk. My knees are starting to get weak. Shit. Then the next thing happened he was introducing us to his “girlfriend” Stephanie. I don’t know what happened but I started to be talkative and eager as if I’m drunk. Actually I am drunk. Hahaha! He noticed it.

Carlos: aba si Ana nagsasalita na!
Me: ciempre! 8 years na nakalipas alangan namang mapanis laway ko ng 8 years db?

We all laughed…. Hahahahahaha!!!

Carlos: Cno2 nga ba ung mga friend ko dati? Ahh… yan si Ana friend ko yan.
Me: ah magkaibigan pala tayo? Hehehe! (awww…..shucks!)
Carlos: Mabait yan si Ana. Hehehe!

I don’t like it when he looks at me. It made me melt. Thank goodness it’s almost dark or else they’ll see me blushing.

Me: oi! sa 23 me lakad tayo. Sunday un! Sama ka na!
Carlos: di ko pa sure eh.
Jenny: cge na! Eh di sama mo na rin si Steph.
Me: Sa Scuola rin naman cia nag-aral di ba? Pwede na yan! (plastik)
Leziel: Wag na! Bat sasama mo pa yan? Eh di na-OP naman yan sa’tin di ba?
Julius: Naging skulm8 din naman natin cia eh.
Leziel: Ma-o-OP nga lang cia kasi pag nagkwentuhan tayo di cia makakarelate!

Hehehe! That’s Leziel. After the awkward conversation, we all protested, made some comments and violent reactions about that girl! Hehehe! That’s us.

The story behind Carlos…

Way back in grade school, about grade 5, our teacher made us sing one by one in front of the class. I forgot my lyrics and messed up everything! After that, Carlos started teasing me and keeps on mimicking me. He notices every little thing I do then poke a joke on. It happens everyday and he never stops. Sometimes I cried and I don’t want to go to school anymore bcoz of the humiliation he is doing to me. I don’t know what’s his problem. I really hated him before. There was a time when I got a running nose, I don’t know what to do, I just let it dried there. He was sitting near me then he blurted out….”what’s on your nose?? Yikes! Bogger!!” (I’m gonna kill this rascal! That was really embarrassing.) Then I told him…”all people had bogger you know! Don’t tell me you don’t have one?” He answered back…”well, yeah but I get rid of it unlike you, you keep on showing it up. You’re a girl remember?” All my classmates laughed! Then I walked out.

A year passed… we were finally on our last year at Scuola. I don’t know how it happened and when it started but Carlos and I got close. Everyday after school, we called up each other and talked about our classmates and how we hated them. He was my first guy bestfriend and the next thing I know…I had a crush on him but he had a crush on Faith. Geezz! He’s undeniably cute. He’s a nerd before. He doesn’t have that much friend. And me? If you don’t know me, you’ll probably think that I’m a deaf-mute! Hahahaha!

The graduation is fast approaching. It is a tradition to have a slam book and let it answered by friends and not so friends. Hehehe! There was this one slam book where I wrote that I had a crush on Carlos and it was the first time I admitted it to anyone. After that, my communication with Carlos had ended. I don’t know if he knew it already but I can’t hide my feelings anymore. Graduation came… and I never heard a thing about him since then…

Back to the present……

Well, having a reunion is not that bad after all. I really had a great time, actually, yesterday is one of the best days I ever had. Still on Carlos, I can’t get over it. Oh man. I wish he waited for me! (hehehe! In my dreams!) seriously, I just want the old times back….

2004-03-29T19:55:00.000-08:00

things are starting to change. i am no longer a 20-year-old-retarded, I am a full grown-up brat now so I must act like a normal 20 yr old girl. Hmmm… act like a normal 20 yr old girl… normal?? For 20 long years I have stayed here on planet earth, I haven’t experienced to love and to be loved by a real man, I haven’t been kissed (even on cheeks!), haven’t been hugged, haven’t been touched and haven’t done sex! How am I suppose to act “normal” if I haven’t done those things. Pathetic.

====================

March 25, 2004

All hell breaks loose to her. She had done “IT” with her boyfriend yesterday. Now she cries. If she got pregnant, she’s dead. I listened to her story impatiently. Only a stupid moron will allow that thing to happen to herself. I really want to scream. YOU’RE SO DAMN STUPID! I WANT TO KICK YOUR ASS! THAT SERVES YOU RIGHT. YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE IT. She’s a fragile glass before, but now, she’s completely broken. What she needs now is a friend, not a preacher. I tried to understand her. I am irritated, dismayed and frustrated. Is this the payback of having a boyfriend? But who am I to judge? I don’t have any right to accuse her. Jocelyn is one of my closest friends. And I am the only one whom she can trust. There’s nothing we can do now. No matter how hard she cries, she will never be the same anymore. All she can do now is to accept, move on, and correct her mistakes.

2004-01-23T04:09:00.000-08:00

January 20, 2003

The thought of being single, the songs I’m hearing (classic love songs! Bullshit!), plus this THREE stupid projects I’m currently working on, (which I don’t know if I can finish on time) what is more depressing than this?! What am I gonna do???? Demit!!!! One at a time okay! One at a time for crying out loud! I can’t handle you all!

*sigh* a lot of heart problems are occurring right now. I don’t know how I got involved, but anyways, I’m glad I helped my friends out. I don’t have much experience regarding this matter, but they keep seeking for my advice which overwhelms me a lot (not because finally I’m not the only one who’s feeling depressed and single in the group) but I feel that they really trust me and makes me feel that I’m important because they’re asking for my opinion. I may not give them the best advices but I just want them to know, my sympathy will always be with them…I just wish them all the luck.

=================================

January 8, 2004

I don’t know why I’m so affected to this, but ever since Jocelyn and Donna became close, I know there’s something going on. So they’re starting to build their own lives now by isolating themselves to us. I don’t know what the heck happened and all of a sudden things changed. I know I did my best to make this group in tact. I’ve done all the things I knew that would be good for the group…just for us to remain as one, together and as whole. I don’t want to happen what happened before. I know I did my best. I did my part. I tried to work things out until finally I got fed up. I see no effort coming from them. We are drifting apart. This group won’t go any further. I know it coz I’ve been through this before. And sooner or later, expect that all hell will break loose. Misunderstandings will continue to arise and the gap continues to dig up. As days goes by, we’re drawing closer and closer to the end. The bridges that connecting each of every one of us will crumble right in front of us. And before we realize our own mistakes, it’s over. Why waste my time on people who can’t appreciate and reciprocate what I’m doing for them?? If this is what they want, then be it. I really won’t mind. I shouldn’t be affected to this in the first place. We can’t be the same anymore. Damaged had been caused. I really value the meaning of true friendship. Too bad it had to end. Nothing’s permanent in this world. You have to let go of some things even though you don’t want to. You can’t force them to be by at your side always. People has his own minds, you can’t control them. That’s the rule. You can’t do anything. True friends are hard to find…yeah right. Guess some good things never lasts… well, thanks for the memories. Thanks for the warm company. Thanks for the friendship…

Three projects to be submitted all at the same time. What the f….???!!! We’re not robots! We’re not super heroes who have special abilities! We’re not students of UP and Ateneo! We’re only ordinary human beings!!! They’re so cruel! Now we don’t have much time to enjoy the remaining days of our college lives! How am I going to deal with all of this?? Peer pressure, school projects, financial problems, no special some one to inspire me…. this whole thing sucks! Wish I could skip these days. Oh boy. Our cable is gone. The Home cable guy went here late this afternoon and cut off our cable because of illegal jumping. Good news is we’re not the only one. Almost all of our neighbors. Hehehehe…I’m expecting a subpoena any moment from now. Geez… this is the second time if ever. (knock on wood!) another bad news is that I’ve finally sent a message to Kelvin through friendster. Good news is up to now, he hasn’t opened his account yet (and I wish he never will!) hehehehe! I’m starting to blog again… well, nobody’s reading it anyway. They don’t care! Hehehehe!!! Ciao!

2004-01-06T01:39:00.000-08:00

i dont know why im so affected with this thing. i barely knew her for almost 4 years. shared secrets and laughed at jokes for almost 4 years. made all the fun stuffs and enjoyed each other's company for almost 4 years... and now, im losing her little by little... every single day. she was more like a twin sister to me. she's one of the few who knows the real me. i know i did my best. and i dont wanna waste my time and effort for someone who cant reciprocate and appreciate the things im doing. it's her lost, not mine! if she dont need my friendship anymore, then be it! i wont waste my time on her! damn!

just like the old saying, SOME GOOD THINGS NEVER LASTS...

2003-12-29T02:25:00.000-08:00

long time no post.... well, nothing good happened so far. erwel got his karma (thanks to me! he deserves that! bitch!), im still addicted to mirc, now goin gaga to this friendster thing... (hmm... i wonder if it's okay to add kelvin as my friend? it's a tough decision mind yah) my pc fucked off, i bought my parents christmas gifts (better late than never), and finally, now im broke. shoot! 3 months from now and my school days are over. boy i never imagined myself walking to the ccp stage, accepting my diploma, wearing a toga... growing old sucks! im scared. what the heck will happen to me after this?? can somebody tell me? i fear that i'll fail my parents' expectations... ahhh...!!!!

so i spent christmas alone, i mean, without "someone special". so what?! it's not a big deal actually! =( (liar!) hehehe!!! happy holidays!!!!!

2003-06-18T00:27:00.000-07:00

School’s good…so far…I guess? BSCI-4C is like a combination of all sections I’ve been through, F, I, B, and J. I thought it would feel awkward seeing them again but actually, I feel at home. I already know almost all of them and we just play jokes on each other just like before even though we have our own separate lives now. I’m talking about Demonyita’s group, if you could still recall.

I’m still missing him… but what can I do?

Joy called a while ago and we talked about his boyfriend Mark a.k.a. Wacks. according to her, they’re always talking about me. great. And Wacks says positive things about me, no negatives. He said that if you look at me, I’m like a native Filipina, sensitive, shy, mahinhin, but once you get to know me, I’m like kalog, fun to be with, and very studious. Very far from my physical look. Helllooooo….???!!! As if he knows me! I only met him twice and that’s only hi-hello-nice meeting you-goodbye! I’m flattered of course. Imagine, a stranger telling positive things about you, wow. Thanks! or maybe, he only said that because I’m Joy’s friend and he wants to gain more “pogi points” for praising her friend so much. But what I didn’t like was the part when joy told me that he’s comparing me to her, that she should become more like me, and what the hell was he talking about?! I don’t know if she’s exaggerating but we just laughed about that.

And so the conversation continued. I mentioned to her few days ago that since she already got one, maybe her boyfriend (coz that man has a lot of barkada) could find me someone too. I was just joking and I didn’t know that she’d tell it to him. then she told me that Wacks will look for a credible one, a perfect match for me, but I musn’t count on him too much. whhaaattt??!!! But if ever he doesn’t find one, then he’ll be the one. (gets?) ahhh…no way! That’s not a good joke Joy. I have no intention stealing your boyfriend okay! For Fuck Sake! That will I never do. I’m better off like this.

2003-06-16T00:13:00.000-07:00

avoidant

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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this one is a fucking true! this is me!

2003-06-16T00:09:00.000-07:00

Your Heart is Blue

What Color is Your Heart?
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that's what exactly how i feel. :-(

2003-06-15T23:52:00.000-07:00

You Have the Power to Turn Things to Stone!

What's Your Magic Power?
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yeahh...it's true.

2003-06-15T23:36:00.000-07:00

isang pagninilay-nilay...

Mag-iisang oras na buhat ng pumasok ako sa loob ng aming kubeta. Mag-iisang oras na rin akong nakaupo sa aking trono. Ahhhh!!! Kahit anong pilit kong gawin, ayaw talagang lumabas. Nabilang ko na halos lahat ng tiles sa aking harapan, nakabilang na rin ako ng isa hanggang isang daan, pagod na ako kakasabi ng “oooo-oooooo”, pero wala paring epekto. Umiri na ako ng pagkahaba-haba na halos lumabas na lahat ng lamang-loob ko, ayaw talaga! Sinubukan kong isipan ka. Ang iyong maamong mukha, ang buhok mong may gel, ang balingkinitan mong katawan….ah teka tumatalab na! Ipinagpatuloy ko ang pag-isip sa’yo. Sariwa pa rin sa aking alaala ang suot mong kulay asul na trunks nung swimming class natin. Mukha ka ngang butiki nun tapos naka-swimming cap ka pa! Ahhahahah! Napabungisngis tuloy ako. Ayan! Naudlot nanaman.

Sumasakit na ang tiyan ko. gusto ng lumabas pero ayaw ng utak ko. Nag-concentrate ako hanggang sa may lumaglag ng isang butil. Eto na ang isang malaki paparating na ng biglang may sumulpot na ipis sa paahan ko. muntik na akong mapatayo sa sobrang gulat at takot. Buti na lang pumasok siya sa gitna ng dalawang timba at doon isiniksik ang sarili. Nakakainis! Istorbo!

Sinundan ko ng tingin ang insekto. Paikot-ikot ito ng lakad. Pabalik-balik. Winawagaspas ang pakpak na animo’y lilipad pero hindi naman. Parang bangag! Nakatira ata ng rugby! Hindi, epekto iyon ng inispray kong baygon kani-kanina lang. Wala ng dapat ipangamba dahil hindi na ito makalilipad pa. Malamang hilong-hilo na ito ngayon. Ah bahala ka d’yan. Galit-galit muna. Patuloy pa rin ang ipis sa kanyang kawirduhan at ganon din ako sa aking gawa. ‘wag lang siyang magkakamaling lumabas doon aapakan ko talaga siya! Napatingin ako sa may pintuan, may dalawang ipis na nakabulagta.

Ngalay na ang pwet sa haba ng oras ng pagkakaupo, sa wakas, natapos na rin! Anong ginhawa ng pakiramdam. Tapos na akong maghugas ng kamay at ang kawawang insekto ay naroon pa rin. Patuloy na lumalaban para sa kanyang buhay. Pero wala na rin siyang magagawa. Maya-maya lang lalanggamin na ito. Binuksan ko na ang pinto at pinatay ang ilaw. Saktong isang oras na pala akong naroroon. Buti na lang hindi ako naging ipis. Ang sarap mabuhay!

2003-06-09T23:50:00.000-07:00

Two months from now I’ll be turning 20 and I still don’t know what do I want to do exactly with my life. It’s like driving without destination. Go with the flow. Follow where the crowds go, be one of those simpleton jerks not doing anything, just indulging themselves watching tv all night long… it’s so tiring…I’m stuck and I can’t get out of this shelf.

Honestly, not precisely envy, I admire my friends, Ronette and Bhing. They already discovered what they’re able to do like Bhing she’s now the newly elected VP external of Jfinex at St. Scho. Aside from being responsible, she is also good in handling people and her expertise: making “utos” (just like what she did to me and Ronette when we’re having group activities way back in high school days) and “magaling mambola” (she really knows what the words to say). But in fairness, that really helps a lot and now she’s making a name in the finance dept. Wow.

Ronette is blessed with natural talents and now she’s learning to use it. She’s a good writer and that’s undeniable. She really impresses me. Working with the Daily Inquirer will be her first step towards the next big thing. And everytime she asks for my “good luck” it’s really overwhelming coz I know somehow, I play a part in fulfilling her dreams.

Me, on the other hand, I don’t have any potential at all. I know I can draw but not that good enough to show to others. I’m not even productive. Yeah right. do you really want to know what my dream is? I want to be a model or something. I want to be an actress. (No. don’t laugh. I’m serious okay.) I want to wear some trendy clothes and pose in magazines. I want to be in front of camera instead of in front of the tv watching. Here in house they all complain when I’m using the bathroom coz it took me hours before I get out. ever wonder why? There was a mirror in there and everytime I enter, automatically, I say a few lines to myself as if I’m rehearsing some dialogues, make faces, do some posing…etc…etc…that’s part of my daily routine. Hahahaha! Now I’m laughing coz I know that will never ever happen. I don’t have the face, I don’t have the body, and I don’t have the attitude. I give up that career. Showbiz world is not for me.

Lately I’m thinking what will happen to me in the future. Since I don’t have the talent and enough knowledge about programming and computers, what will I become now? ~~and I blame it all to our fucking money sucker school. Thank you for teaching us how to become morons~~ An average office employee with an average income. I don’t want to be like that. I want to achieve higher. I want my parents and my siblings live a comfortable life. But what can I do?? I’m only like this—a gutless imbecile without a mind of her own. I want to go to America but I don’t have PhP200,000.00 in my bank book. Where will I get that?! My parents also don’t have that much money. They don’t have any banks. In fact they’re just investing their money into my bank so I decided to give the atm to them coz I can’t identify who’s money from who’s who. I decided to apply for another bank and start from scratch again.

2003-06-09T02:07:00.000-07:00

Who's your bet??!

2003-06-09T01:27:00.001-07:00

May 26, 2003

I’ve been mesmerized by some kind of powerful force. I don’t know when and how it started. I tried my best to fight it. I’d given up my 101% strength just to get it rid… but it’s so strong I can’t do anything… and so I’m giving up! Now I’m beginning to hallucinate things.

I’m standing in front of him. we look at each other’s eyes. my heart beats faster and faster as his face moves nearer and nearer into mine…. I can feel the warmth of his body. I can smell the scent of his breath… he stroke my hair smoothly… my knees grew weaker, I am about to fall… he wrap his arms around my waist….i can’t utter a word except for his name…Lei…he closed his eyes, I did the same… his lips touched mine…. A light and gentle kiss! (Aaawwwww!!! Shacks!) then he suddenly turn aggressive… he open my….. (ooppss! Cut it off! Behave ana behave!) hahahahaha!!!!

I hate to admit it, oh man! I have an F4 fever! What shall I do?? Lei, if you’re reading this one (as if!) I want you to know that I’m truly madly deeply in love with you! Will you marry me?? Just say yes, I’ll make you the happiest man alive! You’re soooo cute!!! Hhhaaayyy…. When will I find a man who looks just like you? Maybe in my dreams…

2003-06-09T01:27:00.000-07:00

May 22, 2003

I’m looking forward of going to school again. Can’t wait to see some of my pals again. I don’t know what will happen this semester…. what I want to happen is to focus more on my studies, have a good grade, do the right stuffs, learn new things, and not to be manipulated by some “BI’s”. Talking about BI’s, seems like destiny wants us back together….

Flashback……

2nd year 1st sem. BSCI-2F. Since Camille (the only companion I got) was gone, I have to choose between which group I’ll be joining. The 2 groups were having some kind of misunderstanding at that time and I feel like being pressured of which is which. It’s either Sarah’s or Maybel’s. They’re both nice to me but I feel much comfortable hanging around with Maybel’s group. To make the story short, I chose them, Jocelyn (the main reason why I chose them), Chim, Nicelyn, Maybel, Byron (Chim’s bf), Arvin, and Philip, became part of them, did what they’d done, only to find out that later on I’m gonna regret it. Katrina (from Sarah’s group) joined us and a lot of disaster happened since she came…blah blah blah….The potential war between the 2 groups ignited. And since I became part of Sarah’s group for quite some time, I feel affected and the pressure is also on me, somehow. All of our classmates were against us (although Sarah assured me that they’re not mad at me). Then we decided to change our section next sem. But things changed and only Jocelyn and I stick with our decision. We both really want to get the hell out of there, with or without them.

and so the enrollment for the 2nd sem came. Jocelyn and I were so determined to continue the plan (without them knowing of course). Our classmates have nothing to do about this, but there’s something wrong about them (maybel and the gang). a lot of internal problems occurred during the last quarter of the sem. We’re sick and tired of them. when we’re about to go to school after eating lunch, we saw them, they said that they had already enrolled. We made excuses why we’re late. they’d almost believed us. They said that section F was still open and if don’t hurry before it closes, they’ll be angry.

Then it happened. We waited for F to close. We went to school again the other day. the plan was successful. We went to section J (including Camille)—the best section and sem I ever had (damn! I remember Benito again!).

The whole sembreak, Chim was texting Jocelyn some annoying messages. They were all mad at us. Hehehe… that’s okay. They can’t do anything about that anymore. Losers!

Back to the present….

Now we’re all doing okay, or should I say Jocelyn and they are doing okay. Me, I’m just cool. If they greet me, I’ll greet them also. But don’t expect me to greet them first. Nah!

Maybel is just okay with me. That’s why we never said NO to her when she said she wants us to be her classmates again. And I know, she’ll make Joy change for the better! Hahaha!

Chim, on the other hand, hayyy… just like Maybel, she asked us if we could be classmates again this coming sem, we just say nothing. And everytime we sense that our topic will be leading to that again, we just change the conversation automatically. And now maybe she’s thinking: “You can run, but you cannot hide. I have the last laugh! Bwahahaha!!!” yup, she was our classmate again. and we feel like aahhhhrrrgggghhhhh……!! She’s the reason why we left and now that she’s back, I don’t know what to expect. I don’t hate her but I don’t like her. She never changed since we left. She’s still the same immature, bossy, childish-looking whore who doesn’t have any guts to wore really sexy clothes (but still wore some). Talk about nerves! Tsk tsk tsk….

Jocelyn, Joy and I, doesn’t want her around. Joy is afraid that she might be influenced by chim (Joy and Chim haven’t been classmates but we already informed her about Chim’s attitude). But it’s up to her if she’ll let herself be sucked up by other people or learn to control herself to stay away from them.

According to Maybel, she also doesn’t want her around. I don’t know but everytime Chim is joining us for some chit chats, the previous cheesed off agitated devilish Maybel turns automatically into a nice friendly and cuddly Maybel when Chim, of course, is in front of us. Woow woooow wwwooooowwww….. what the sudden change of mood. That’s what I call “The--two-faced—backstabber—pusillanimous—spineless--lily-livered—faint-hearted---fiend” in short, “plastic”. Yeah right, I used to be one of those but I’m trying to change okay.

2003-06-09T01:26:00.000-07:00

And so my Intrepid days were over and everything is set back again to its normal places. I’m planning to take a short computer course for a month but it’s too expensive and since we’re not wealthy enough to support extra-curricular activities, we have to be practical. So instead of enrolling, I’ll just buy a Visual basic book and study on my own. I don’t know if self-studying will work for me or what. But I just have to.

---------

Shit..shit..and a lot more of shits! Nooooo! I can’t stand it anymore! This M2M song makes me wanna go uhhh ohhh ohhhh ohhhh!!!!! Somebody stop it! stop that Kermit the frog voices!!!! There. it’s over. haaayyy…

I’ve been attacked by my old damn disease again—Schmaltzy syndrome. It seems that I’ll be needing special therapy now. Have to deal this on my own. If this disease doesn’t get early medications, it may result to stress, internal bleeding, and worse, it may lead to a possible heartbreak and to some, death.

Enough of this bullshit.

2003-04-22T04:41:00.000-07:00

Some quick updates:

my mom and I went to Mindoro for the holy week vacation.
I sang in front of them for the first time! (I still can’t believe it)
Later that night, I bought 3 gins (magpapainom sana) but then the fun was spoiled and end up drinking all by myself alone. My grandma got angry…blah blah blah…. I thought finally I will have bonding with my uncles and aunties. I only got frustrated. Bottom line: never drink with your relatives. You’ll only regret it.

went to mass as usual.
bought a really cool stuff!

unknown relatives came over.

went home.
went to Anna’s house and met my barkadas.
Ronette gave me a pair of earrings which came from Macao (wow!)

back to normal
Darvey dropped by at the office (shit!)

work
work
and lots of WORK!!! (but really, I’m starting to get accustomed to it)

2003-04-16T04:21:00.001-07:00

Life is indeed short. Unexpected things often happen to unexpected people like to Joy’s and Anna Cruz’s father. Ronette, Mylene and I were planning to go to Anna’s place this coming Sunday after we came back from our holy week vacation. I’m feeling a little bit guilty ‘coz I didn’t make it to visit her today, but swear, I’ll make it up on Sunday.

==========

I’m kindda in the mood today. Why? Darvey called the office a while ago and I’m the lucky one who answered the phone, or should I say he’s the lucky one ‘coz he got a chance to talk to me personally on the phone. Hehehe…. Intrepid Resources was looking for a qualified scholar and he got the spot! Oh boy. He’s not only a cutie, he also have the brains! I studies at UST (wow! me and ronette’s dream school) and I heard he was a dean’s lister. How I wish I never heard that. And since the first time (and the last time I hope) I saw him he already took my heart away with him….i can’t get him out of my head!! I gotta get through this. I gotta get my mind out of you. I’m gonna make it through. Haaayyy…. he’ll come back on Monday for the arrangement of the contracts. I’m going to see him again!!! I must be ready! Hehehe….

But then again…

What happened to Anna’s family…I do really sympathize. Everything happens for a reason…she and her family can get over this for sure. She’s a brave young lady.

2003-04-16T04:21:00.000-07:00

April 15, 2003

yey! Payday came at last. And all my hardships had been paid off. But honestly, I don’t feel grateful that much. I think I deserve more…for a starter? Hehehe….

well, if there’s a good news, bad news always follows. The rate of tourists here in our country declines and it continues to fall because of SARS and although the World Health Organization declares that the Philippines is a SARS-free country, the number of tourists coming over here still decreases.

That’s not the only reason. The Abu Sayaff & MILF, political crisis, unstable economy, the war on Iraq plus the latest, SARS.

Connection?? For your information, my father works in a travel agency and ever since we suffered political crisis, that was the time of Erap’s regime, the rate of tourists swiftly fell down. It all began there. And now, my father’s position is in great danger. Their company strived hard just to save the corporation. I don’t know the details but my father said that their company will have its name renamed, meaning that their company will not be totally closed, but will make some adjustments and that includes re-shuffling of staff officers. It’s not yet confirmed but my father told us that since he is the manager, he might be back again to a regular employee, with a regular salary, and an irregular working hours, depending on the head management. Oh sweet! After 20+ long years of working…after he gave his loyalty and almost half of his life there…this is what he’ll get in return. Great. I know it would be hard for him to accept it cause I know that men have a lot of “ego” and “pride”.

And my mom offered him a job. What? Personal Bodyguard of her Chinese boss. What?? A Bodyguard. What???!! I said… A Personal Bodyguard of her partly mentally retardate Chinese boss!!! AHAHAHAHA!!!!! She must be kidding! Nah. I don’t think so. She said that her boss was nice and if his boss is in a good mood, he might treat my father anytime, a free dinner or anything he thinks of. Thanks for suggesting, ma! Nice punch line huh!

And it surely does bother me a lot. If only we have that much money, probably we’ll start a small business. Unfortunately, we’re suffering a money-shortage right now. great timing!

2003-04-16T04:20:00.000-07:00

TEN THINGS THAT PISSES ME OFF…

1. Waking up early.
2. Rushing up things.
3. Being controlled/ dictated.
4. Two-faced people.
5. Sweets (except Butterfinger).
6. Pilipino action movies (Jinggoy’s and Mickey Arroyo’s to be exact).
7. Wannabees/ coños.
8. Being ignored and deceived.
9. Getting horny. (: ))
10. Kelvin Brown.

TEN THINGS THAT TURNS MY MOOD INTO GOOD…

1. TV (wrestling—rulez!).
2. Blogging.
3. Alternative Rock Music.
4. Butterfinger.
5. Being appreciated/ acknowledged.
6. Anime (especially Ranma ½).
7. Cute guys.
8. Green jokes.
9. Setting my own plans.
10. Talking to my friends.

2003-04-16T04:19:00.000-07:00

My stupid mouth has got me in troubles…. I’m never speaking up again…. ever!!!

Work sucks. Life’s a mess. Everything I do is a disaster.

I’m starting to hate my job.

My Stupid Mouth
my stupid mouth has got me in trouble
I said too much again
to a date over dinner yesterday
and I could see she was offended
she said "well anyway"
just dying for a subject change

oh, another social casualty
score one more for me
how could I forget
mama said "think before speaking"
no filter in my head
oh, what's a boy to do?
I guess he better find one soon

we bit our lips
she looked out the window
rolling tiny balls of napkin paper
I played a quick game of chess
with the salt and pepper shaker
and I could see clearly
an indelible line was drawn
between what was good, what just slipped out
and what went wrong

oh, another social casualty
score one more for me
how could I forget
mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
oh, what's a boy to do?
I guess he better find one soon

I'm never speaking up again
it only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery than she desert me
oh, I'm never speaking up again
starting now

one more thing
why is it my fault?
so maybe I try too hard
but it's all because of this desire
I just want to be liked; I just want to be funny
look like the joke's on me
so call me Captain Backfire

oh, another social casualty
score one more for me
how could I forget
mama said "think before speaking"
no filter in my head
oh, what's a boy to do?
I guess he better find one soon

I'm never speaking up again
it only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery than she desert me
oh, I'm never speaking up again
I'm never speaking up again
I'm never speaking up again
starting now
additional lyrics and intro/outros
so I faked an attitude
hell with you, take it or leave me
but the me she couldn't see
was wishing that I had
thirty something seconds back
-----------
No I was not listening, sorry missed it babe
Come around again
I said yes my head is swirling
Welcome to my world, it's population 1
You can't come

So take it or leave it
That's just who I am
It might be hard to believe it
But you know that you've got to understand

2003-04-07T02:41:00.000-07:00

Work sucks!!!

Before I was excited to have a job, can’t wait for me to graduate college. I think it’s cool to earn your own money and be independent, but now…shit.

So now I know the feeling of being an average typical employee. You have to wake up early so that you won’t be late. You have to follow everything that your boss told you to do even if it’s against your will. Presence of mind. You have to be nice to everybody especially to your boss and your boss’s relatives; you have to please them (me and my plastic attitude!). And the finale: When answering the phone, you have to say “Intrepid (our corporate’s name) good morning”.

It’s a total boredom. Everyday is like the same day as yesterday. Do the same work, say the same lines, oh men!!! I feel like a fucking robot!

========

Disease

Just found out that I have been infected by some kind of skin disease. At first, I thought I got an eczema so last week, I went to a clinic near our house to have it checked. The doctor said it was some kind of skin allergy and he gave me some medicines to take. I thought this will be gone for good. This after noon, I went there again for follow-up check up. The previous doctor was not available so I have to be checked by another doctor. And oh my god. I thought I’ll be cured but guess what the doctor told me? She said she also got this thing two years ago and since then it was never been cured. And the most devastating part, she said this thing will remain here forever as long as I live. This will come and go whenever it likes to show off. There is no cure for it, only medications.

Wwwhhhaatttt????!!!! I want to die right after hearing those words. she’s joking right? this can’t be happening! it’s the same thing hearing as “you have a cancer and you only have days to live”. I feel so much depressed and this thing is spreading all over my feet and hands. So I have to accept it…no choice…it’s like I’m sentenced with life imprisonment.

Men. I thought she’ll say don’t worry you’ll be alright. But no. I thought I’ll feel better.. but now I feel worse. I feel like I’m really ugly. Ha! Who the hell cares?! Go ahead and multiply. But spare my face please!

I’m still wondering where the hell I got this. And how. The doctor said it was hereditary and it is not contagious. It’s all in the blood. But both my parents side doesn’t have this thing. shit. Then be it!!!!

2003-03-28T03:15:00.000-08:00

SECRETS GIRLS OUGHTA KNOW ABOUT GUYS
(check it out!)

Guys don’t actually look after good-looking girls. They prefer presentable and neat girls.
Guys hate flirts.
A guy can like you for a minute, then forget you afterwards. (this usually goes for strangers).
When a guy says he doesn’t understand you, it just means you’re not thinking the way he is.
Guys love girls with brains all the more than girls in miniskirts. (when we say brains, we don’t mean geeks!).
“Are you doin something or have you eaten already?” are the first usual questions a guy asks on the phone just so to get away fromstammering.
Guys maybe flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.
When a guy really likes you, he’ll disregard all your bad characteristics.
Guys go gaga over a girl’s smile!
Guys can never dream and hope too much.
Guys usually try so hard to get the girl who has dumped them, and this makes it harder fro them to accept their defeat.
When you touch a guy’s heart, there’s no turning back.
Giving a guy a hanging message like “You know what….uh…. nevermind!” would make him jump to a conclusion that’s far from wha you’re thinking.
A guy goes crazy when a girl touches his hand.
Guys are good flatterers when courting but they usually stammer when they talk to the girl they really like.
When a guy makes a prolonged “um…” or makes many excuses when you’re asking him to do you a favor, he’s actually saying thathe doesn’t like you and he cannot lay down the card for you.
When girls says NO, guys hear it as “try again tomorrow” especially when they are given cues that the girl likes them.
Guys virtually brag about anything.
Guys cannot keep secrets that girls tell them.
Guys think too much.
Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend.
When a guy want to meet your parents, let him.
A guy wants to tell you many things, but he cant. And they sure have one bad habit to gain courage (and spirit) to tell you everything, and that is---drinking.
Guys cry.
Guy’s fantasies are unlimited.
Don’t provoke a guy to heat up… believe me… he will!
A girl’s height doesn’t really matter to a guy… but her weight does!
Guys tend to get serious with their relationships and become too possessive. So, watch our girls!
When a guy gets something that is too unyielding for a girls, it would be hard fro him to let go to that girl.
It’s not easy fro a guy to forget his girlfriend after they broke up especially when they’ve been together for 3 years or more.
Flings follow after a guy breaks up with the girl he got so involved with and it would take long before he commits himself again.
You have to tell a guy what you really want before he gets the message clearly.
It’s not actually cute giggling behind a guy’s back. It’s more of an insult for him.
Girls mature faster than b

2003-03-23T19:24:00.000-08:00

Am I ready for summer?? I don’t know. But one thing’s for sure. I already told my mom that I’m in a critical position on our cisco subject. This coming Wednesday, it’s do-or-die. I must get at least 70% at our test or die of boredom taking up cisco (again??) summer classes. If that thing happens, probably I’ll ask Donna if she can be my classmate this summer. Oh no! Everything will be ruined! My summer job career will end, and my-no-fail-grade-since-elementary record will be trashed. And I’ll feel like a sore loser all my life. It’s too late for me. And that Mr. Navarro is really a shit. Screw him! Screw him!!!

But on the other hand, there’s still a little spark of hope left and I’ll be anticipating for a grade of 3 until I get our grade clearance. If that thing happens, I tell you, I’ll kiss Mr. Navarro’s ass and I’m not kidding swear!

2003-03-22T22:00:00.000-08:00

Result of my personality tests:

DREAMER

(Submissive Introvert Abstract Feeler )
Like just 11% of the population you are a DREAMER (SIAF)--reserved and imaginative. You are basically the shy, silent type. You don't have much interest in facts and figures or most of what's going on around you, but the internal worlds you build for yourself are rich and complex.

Luckily, your creativity and strong heart mean you have a deep personality evident to anyone who gets to know you. It's just that not many people do, because most everyone thinks you're a loser. Talk to yourself less, other people more, little shaver.

=======

Yes… every little word it says here is true. I hate to admit it but I think I’m a geek…I am building a world of my own. I to talk to an invisible person. I have a split personality. And during one of those conversations I’m having with myself, sometimes I tend to loss. I don’t know when it started. Maybe I’m just trying to know myself more by doing this… but I know… this is not normal. Sometimes I caught myself making faces, then I just stop talking, then she just comes around again. It’s like she’s uncontrollable. I can’t do anything when she starts talking and then I’ll answer her back. Then the never-ending monologue starts again.

Shit! What’s wrong with me???!!! Am I a freak?? Am I a weirdo?? Am I a loser???!! No this can’t be!!! Heeelllppppp….!!!! Somebody fix it! somebody fix it!!!

=======

Other result:

Peaceful
Discreet
Non-Aggressive

You are easy-going yet discreet. You make friends effortlessly, yet enjoy your privacy and independence. You like to get away from it all and be alone from time to time to contemplate the meaning of life and enjoy yourself. You need space, so you escape to beautiful hideaways, but you are not a loner. You are at peace with yourself and the world, and you appreciate life and what this world has to offer.

You have always longed for tenderness, love and a sensitivity of feeling into which you would like to blend. You are a very gentle warm person and responsive to 'All things bright and beautiful'. This personifies a caring person, a person who 'needs' and indeed 'needs to be needed'.
Which ever way you turn you feel that you are being utterly thwarted. There is considerable conflict in the air but you will stick to your beliefs and not be deterred in endeavouring to attain your objectives.
You lack confidence and that is a great pity because deep down you are indeed a warm caring person. This lack of confidence is making you wary of being drawn into any open discussion or conflict and so you feel as if you should let matters lie and leave well alone. But there may be a pleasant surprise in store for you. You are beginning to grow and very soon - sooner than you believed possible - this warm loving new you will be available for all to see and to appreciate.
You are pretending that the situation around you doesn't matter, but the effort of trying to conceal your emotions and anxieties is resulting in untold stress. The existing situation is disagreeable. You feel unwanted and lonely and you would really like to associate with someone whose ideals are as high as your own. You want to be above the standard of mediocrity and this need to be needed and that need to need has almost become an obsession. You are trying to magnify the need into a compelling urge. You would really like to tell the world how great you are but no, you are holding back because you feel that your peers may treat you with contempt. This is a great pity because you have in fact a unique quality of character, but the continual restraint that you impose on yourself makes you suppress this need for others and you pretend you don't really care. You treat those who criticise you with contempt. However, to be honest, beneath this assumption of indifference you really long for the approval and esteem of others.
You would like to be respected and valued for yourself and this can only be achieved from within a close and harmonious relationship.
You are inclined to be too trusting and you feel that you need to be on your guard against the possibility that your endeavors and actions may be misunderstood. Too often you have been taken advantage of and you have been mentally abused. Now you are seeking a relationship which can provide peace of mind, where you can be yourself and not have the need to put on a false front.

2003-03-16T17:52:00.000-08:00

Bic Runga--Sway

Don't stray, don't ever go away
I should be much too smart for this
You know it gets the better of me
Sometimes, when you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you, pull me out in time
Don't let me drown, let me down
I say it's all because of you
And here I go, losing my control
I'm practicing your name so I can say it to your face
It doesn't seem right, to look you in the eye
Let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth
Indeed it's time to tell you why
I say it's infinitely true

CHORUS:
Say you'll stay, don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way, yeah I need to know
All about you

And there's no cure, and no way to be sure
Why everything's turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired - I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now it all turns sour
Come sweeten every afternoon

CHORUS TWICE

It's all because of you
It's all because of you

Now it all turns sour, come sweeten every afternoon
It's time to tell you why, I say it's infinitely true

CHORUS TWICE

It's all because of you
It's all because of you
It's all because of you

2003-03-08T01:10:00.000-08:00

This sem really blows! First, my other ceu tropas left us. Become irritated by Joy’s being too bossy. Then I became a dishwasher last Christmas. Accused my mother having an affair with her “friend”. Dismayed by my classmates’ reactions. Got a grade of two 3’s, which is equivalent to 75. I don’t know yet if I failed in Cisco but got to talk to my teacher about it already. Financial crisis. Being out of placed inside the room most of the time. Hearing some side comments about me. And lastly, TJ ditched me.

Cisco, cisco, cisco, cisco…. That’s all that matters to me now. Everytime we’re having this subject, I feel like I’m in between of life and death situation. I must get at least 70% in every test, lower than that, it’s the end for me! Guess I’m pretty lucky this year.

===============

Be careful of what you’re wishing for… it might come true

Yesterday was just one of those days that we don’t do anything except to laugh, play jokes, fool around and be merry every minute. After the class, we went to YES, I drunk as many beer as I can, try to be happy to see some of my classmates there, etc…etc… and while we were winding around, unexpected things occurred during those hours and we have no idea that such thing will happen to us…

Joy left early. Jocelyn, Dimples and I remained with some of our classmates. Then we decided to go home coz it’s already late. I was on the road when I received a message from my mom saying that my dad suffered from mild stroke due to over fatigue and he refused to be confined to the hospital. I try not to panic; I just want to go home as fast as I can to check on him. My mom assured me that he’s alright. Thank God nothing bad happened to him.

I texted them—Jocelyn and Joy, saying that that will be the last time I’ll go to that place. I control myself not to cry and to my surprise, Joy’s father was rushed in the hospital and stayed in the I.C.U coz of stroke too, pumutok daw ‘yung ugat sa ulo. Then she said to me that she’ll change if her father will be saved. There’s a little chance left. Then later this morning, around 6:30am, we talked on the phone she’ll be back again to the hospital after she got some clothes. I prayed for her father’s safety. Weird, but I cried after hearing those things. If only I can do anything… then she texted me around 9am, her dad was already dead when she arrived.

It was too late for them. I remembered when we were having some chitchats and she was telling us that she hates her father a lot. That she wished that her mother and father were separated. A lot of painful memories that her father done while she and her siblings were growing up. Last week she texted me saying: sna mmtay na to! And it did came true...

2003-02-23T00:05:00.000-08:00

BSCI-3J sucks. I’m blaming myself why I chose that mother fucking section. If only I can turn back time. Everybody there annoys me. Everybody’s fake. Everybody’s making pa-cute (for what reason?? I don’t know). And it’s like a contagious disease even I got infected sometimes. So before I become worse, I’d better isolate myself from those assholes. I need some fresh air and a new ambiance.

Want to know what’s the feeling of being there?? Hell. It’s like a pub full of horny people, maniacs, fuck faces, sex freaks, dick heads, bitch enthusiasts, whores, and the like. No one is safe there especially if you’re a female specie, your life is endangered. They speak in a pervert language. And if you’re not strong enough to ride with their super green jokes, you’re a dead meat (that happens to me most of the time). The girls there will look at you from head to toe (with matching taas-kilay) while the males starts from the boobs, butt, down to the legs then to the boobs again. The larger, the merrier. And that’s not all. They’ll make sounds like they’re sipping a soup.

Hey! What’s wrong with them?? Maybe…

1. Their sex hormone malfunctioned producing more testosterones than needed.
2. Psychological defect/ abnormal lifestyle/ lock of attention (KSP).
3. Frustrated sex life.
4. Influenced by the wrong person/ group.
5. Drugs.
6. Born to be wild/ natural state of being.
7. Uncontrollable erotic feeling/ wet most of the time/ their “cocks” have a bad temper.

What’s the real reason, I don’t know. They see woman as a sex object and not as a human being that also needs to be respected. They do that most of the time. And to my disgust, I just shake my head feeling sorry for their victims. Now I appreciate having 29 inches, cup A breast. I can’t ask for more.

So I therefore conclude that men (especially men from our section) knows nothing… except for… S-E-X. And for that, mas lalong bumaba ang tingin ko sa kanila. konting respeto naman sana di ba?

2003-02-20T21:55:00.000-08:00

Uh-oh…!!

TJ (Janet’s previous obsessions) and I known each other for about quite some time but haven’t really known each other personally. I mean, I know he’s name and he knows mine, that’s all. I think I saw him twice but I can’t remember what he looks like. If I’m not mistaken, Bhing and Ronette saw him when they went here and they have the same violent reaction. Okay. So last night, due to boredom, I dialed his number (missed call) then he texted me musta na? I replied and he answered me back, blah blah blah… we talked about “The Ring” and “The Eye”, etc…etc… then he told me he’s going to his school next week to get his papers arranged (he graduated last March by the way) and he asked if he can get my schedule. I gave it to him then the next thing that happened was he’s asking me na kung pwede daw ba kaming sabay umuwi? I was stunned. I don’t know what to say. I want to reject his offer but I don’t want to offend him. So I texted him na kakahiya naman sayo. Baka magabihan ka pa ng uwi (since we were dismissed 7:00 pm). Ang tagal nyang hindi nag-reply so I presumed that he already got my hint. I’m not used to it eh. Dyahe naman! Saka kasabay ko ‘yung mga classmates ko. baka gantihan nila ako kasi ang lakas kong mang-asar pag may sumusundo sa kanila. I’m about to sleep na when I received his message saying that it’s okay. And he’s asking me again if it’s okay. I don’t know what comes into my mind that time but I said yes to him…and before I realized what I’d done, the deal was already settled. Shit. So I still have 7 days to think about that. He’s a good man naman eh. No malice! Friends naman kami…pero nga I’m not used to it. until now I’m tensed.

Wait… so what’s the big deal? It’ll only take a couple of hours then after that, it’s over. okay. Have to calm myself first. Ahhh! Come what may.

2003-02-18T19:19:00.000-08:00

Darn. Today is the big day. I’m expecting to fail my two subjects—Cisco and Math. I’d accepted that already but I’m still hoping that our professors will be considerate enough to make some adjustments regarding our grades. Oh well, so much for school stuffs.

Anyway, last night, while I was making my way home, I asked myself what would it feel if I could see the unseen. I’d open up that topic a thousand times to myself and end up really horrified that I can’t hardly sleep. Before I was really obsessed with black magic, witchcraft and the occult that I’d even performed some rituals and spells. I read a book on how to unleash your psychic powers. I’d done some exercises to open my third eye but I didn’t continue it. And so days went on and years passed, my interest in the divine world slowly faded and then it was totally out of my system. I decided to change.

After I saw The Eye, there are times that I envy Mun but there are also times that I’m really thankful that I’m just a normal human being. Come to think of it, you can see what others can’t see, you have the power…isn’t it cool?? Well, I think not. Just what I had said earlier, I’m thankful that I’m an ordinary being with an extraordinary personality and that’s what makes me different. I’m already contented with what I have and to live what Mun was seeing, I think I’ll go crazy. I’m fine now.

2003-02-16T04:42:00.000-08:00

“Tomorrow will be very different from yesterday. Change with the times or be left behind in a surprising destination. The best way to stay warm right now is to keep moving.”

YUP! That’s right. Tomorrow’s a new day. Tomorrow, they’ll be meeting the “newly improved Ana”, not the little coward timid chicken bluff they used to know, but the drunken whore who have an attitude, who can say whatever she wants to say, who’s not scared to admit she’s not perfect, that she cannot please everybody, who doesn’t mind what other’s will say, who’s brave enough to fight for her own dignity and pride. Totally different from the previous one. That’s tough. But that’s for my own sake. Nobody can help me now besides, nobody will do that for me except for me. I have to be strong, start establishing my self-confidence and accept the fact that in this world, no matter how good you do, no matter how much effort you exert just to help or please people around you, you can always hear negative things from them. And no matter how hard you struggle, people will pull you down. That’s the reality. Every good deeds you do, you’ll be rewarded with bad deeds. I’m sick and tired being like this. All my life I felt rejected, I felt I don’t belong that’s why I’m doing everything they say just to be accepted, I hide my own feelings—smile when they’re there trying to be nice and cuddly just not to hear anything against me but who knows?? And then when they’re gone, back to my routine, making faces, saying annoying things and even making fun of them. Guess that makes me a real woman. This is bullshit. I cant live like this anymore. PLASTIC, GOMA, OROCAN… damn.

February 14, 2003—this will be the last day I’d make myself a total fool in front of people begging for her consideration, that I misinterpreted what she’d said, that I’m scared to death feeling guilty that I might have started a fight, that I actually admitted it was my fault or was it really? And she just stared at me while I plead for her forgiveness. I should’ve done that. That will be the last time I’ll lower myself like that. From now own, before I think what others will say, I’ll think what myself will say to me first. Who the hell they are?? I’m not brought up by my parents to be like this. I’ll just change for the better. I won’t be scared anymore for as long as I know I’m right, He is with me and He’ll not let me down… Thank you for being there…

2003-02-16T03:13:00.000-08:00

bad trip!!!! shit! ano ba tong blog na to?? bat nagloloko? ganda2 nung picture di naman nakuha dito! bat dun sa edit page okay bat pag dating na dito sa web page ko, sira na??? bakit?????

2003-02-16T02:53:00.000-08:00

Hehehe…. So we saw “THE EYE”, the best horror movie I’d ever seen next to The Ring and Blair witch Project. Here’s the summary anyway…

The Eye (2002)

Blind since age two, Mun (Angelica Lee) takes a cornea transplant and comes out of her bandages able to see dead people. With ghosts at home, on the streets and even at her new calligraphy class, the pressure becomes too much for the young woman to bear. Teamed up with a young psychologist (Lawrence Chou), Mun sets about finding the root of her problems.

Just like Mun's repairing vision, The Eye's plot builds its focus slowly and carefully to bring developments and theme into clearer view. The inability to see, or at the very least recognise everyday images, adds intriguing tension and approaches the Hong Kong horror genre from new ground. Humour is kept to a minimum in the script, limited mainly to a caricature of bureaucratic inflexibility at an orchestra, and only a ridiculous romance angle between the two leads throws a damper on the pace.

That plenty of off-focus moments are included in the production goes without saying and the effect works well in the developing story from Mun's difficult perspective, while additional sound work and music raises the drama elsewhere. Much to the filmmakers' credit, two standout sequences struck a chord with early viewers, setting off favourable good word-of-mouth among local cinemagoers -- unprecedented for a modern Hong Kong horror flick without any major stars. Effects from Centro Digital Pictures give the production a good workover; even ghosts' long tongues get a digital upgrade from the rubbery red things that stuck out of mouths on screen a decade ago.

Angelica Lee makes for an impressive lead and carries across both intense suffering and hope in an ultimately upbeat performance. Lawrence Chou takes the other lead slot, faced with an unfortunate role that damages the film more than anything else. Wearing glasses in what appears an unsuccessful attempt to make him look older, Chou's lumbered with a very unconvincing love interest character. With the absolutely no justification for his "love" for Mun given in an otherwise coherent script, viewers may question why The Eye needed to veer towards romance at all.

I’d done some researching a while ago about Lawrence. And here they are:

Name: Chou, Lawrence (english)
Zhou, Junwei (pinyin)
Category: Popsinger
Nationality: Hongkong
B-day: April 19, 1979

*Currently dating Mavis Fan, a Taiwanese Singer who is 2 years older than him. they have no plan of getting married yet!!!

2003-02-16T02:00:00.000-08:00

Hehehe…. So we saw “THE EYE”, the best horror movie I’d ever seen next to The Ring and Blair witch Project. Here’s the summary anyway…

The Eye (2002)
Blind since age two, Mun (Angelica Lee) takes a cornea transplant and comes out of her bandages able to see dead people. With ghosts at home, on the streets and even at her new calligraphy class, the pressure becomes too much for the young woman to bear. Teamed up with a young psychologist (Lawrence Chou), Mun sets about finding the root of her problems.
Just like Mun's repairing vision, The Eye's plot builds its focus slowly and carefully to bring developments and theme into clearer view. The inability to see, or at the very least recognise everyday images, adds intriguing tension and approaches the Hong Kong horror genre from new ground. Humour is kept to a minimum in the script, limited mainly to a caricature of bureaucratic inflexibility at an orchestra, and only a ridiculous romance angle between the two leads throws a damper on the pace.
That plenty of off-focus moments are included in the production goes without saying and the effect works well in the developing story from Mun's difficult perspective, while additional sound work and music raises the drama elsewhere. Much to the filmmakers' credit, two standout sequences struck a chord with early viewers, setting off favourable good word-of-mouth among local cinemagoers -- unprecedented for a modern Hong Kong horror flick without any major stars. Effects from Centro Digital Pictures give the production a good workover; even ghosts' long tongues get a digital upgrade from the rubbery red things that stuck out of mouths on screen a decade ago.
Angelica Lee makes for an impressive lead and carries across both intense suffering and hope in an ultimately upbeat performance. Lawrence Chou takes the other lead slot, faced with an unfortunate role that damages the film more than anything else. Wearing glasses in what appears an unsuccessful attempt to make him look older, Chou's lumbered with a very unconvincing love interest character. With the absolutely no justification for his "love" for Mun given in an otherwise coherent script, viewers may question why The Eye needed to veer towards romance at all.

I’d done some researching a while ago about Lawrence. And here they are:

Name: Chou, Lawrence
Zhou, Junwei (pinyin)
Category: Popsinger
Nationality: Hongkong
B-day: April 19, 1979

*Currently dating Mavis Fan, a Taiwanese Singer who is 2 years older than him. They have no plan of getting married yet!!!

2003-02-09T18:13:00.000-08:00

Conversation with Myself

I usually do this everyday, a minute when I woke up, when I’m bored, while I’m eating my meals, before I sleep… and I never get tired of asking myself the same questions and answering it with the same answers over and over again.

about life…

Me: tell me what do you think what life means for you?

Ana: UNFAIR. You do good things, you’ll get bad karma; you help people, the same people will turn you down; you go straight, the more obstacles will come into your way; you do some illegal stuffs, you’ll get benefited; you decided to change for the better, people will start questioning you; you’re really persevering to attain something, you’ll only get disappointed; and the more you love life, the more it hates you back… why is that??

Me: Simply because you’re not mature enough to know the real meaning of it. You kept on complaining without thinking it first. All you think about is yourself and the money. You’ve been blinded by the material things around you. You want life to be as comfortable as you want it to be. You want to get things at a snap of your fingers without working hard to get a hold of it. You expect things so much. You’re being pessimistic about it. What goes around comes around. Always look at the bright side of life (Nike’s jingle) and you’ll see. Don’t loose hope. One more thing, get the chicken out of you. Don’t be scared to show or to say what you feel. Don’t mind what the others will say. And lastly, pray to God. Ask for His guidance and help.

about study…

Me: I just wish you the best.

Ana: Thanks! heheheh….

about love…

Me: Rate your love life right now.

Ana: Subzero. I have no time for it…(owwwwss??!)

Me: If you’ve given a chance to talk to K_l_i_, what will you say??

Ana: Fuck you! Hehehe… honestly, I just want him to know that I regretted the day that we became you-know-what. I also want him to know what I’ve been through, all those sleepless nights, the tears I cried, the lies he told me, all those painful memories… he has no right to treat me like that considering that he was my first. I just wasted my time on him. And thank goodness those damn days were over. It was a traumatic experience… Hatred still remains, the damage had been caused, my heart is still broken… I’m trying to forgive him though. He changed my life in a moment, and I’ll never be the same again…

Me: Have you moved on?

Ana: After 4 long years, what do you think?? Of course! He’s not worth holding on. T*ngina nya! Hahahah!!!

about family…

Me: How can you describe your family?

Ana: Just like any other ordinary family. We were brought up by our parents in a proper way. We’re not close. We don’t talk bout our own individual problems, we have no time for it I guess.

Me: And what do you feel bout that?

Ana: Frustrated… at the same time contented. Frustrated because I can’t tell them stuffs that I’m telling to my friends. It’s hard for me to reach out. The problem is on me. Contented because I’m dealing it personally, I feel independent and mature to solve it on my own.

Me: What about your dad?

Ana: He’s a silent type. He is very much dedicated to his work but is gaining something he does not deserve—I feel bad about that. He is a very good father and husband and I admire him a lot. You can’t say anything bad against him. I love my father very much. And I’m really sorry for everything I’d caused him.

Me: You’re mom?

Ana: Same with my father, she is also dedicated to her work. My father is a bit thrifty, she’s the opposite. She’s a good mother for us and a good husband for my dad. I love her very much too.

Me: Are you ready to talk about your mom and her allegedly “affair with…”?

Ana: No. I don’t want to think about that right now. It’s not right to accuse her… but the signs keeps on showing me. Darn. It’s not yet confirmed. I just wish it’s not true.

Me: okay. So what about your younger siblings?

Ana: They’re all good and well-rounded beings. They’ll grow up aiming something.

about future plans…

Ana: Get a good job, migrate my whole family to other country (US to be exact), provide my family a comfortable life, build a mansion for them… everything I’m doing is for them.

Me: You never mentioned about marriage. Any plans about that??

Ana: I don’t see myself being married to someone and having kids. Somebody told me, a palm reader I think, that I’ll only get separated and that embarked in my mind. I’m scared of getting married. But who knows??

Me: Is that your biggest fear—to be divorced or annulled??

Ana: Not exactly. My number 1 fear is to have a broken family… I never realized it until these “signs” came.

about friends…

Me: Do you have many friends??

Ana: Acquaintances—many; friends—few. I am choosy when it comes to this. I only belong to one “barkada” (high school) and the rest is just “kasama”. Sometimes I tend to feel that I’m abused, but when I feel that’s enough, then that’s the end.

Me: Are you loyal when it comes to friendship??

Ana: I said I only belong to one “barkada”—what does that mean??

Me: Our time is up. I run out of questions already. hehehe… hope you’ll have a great 2003!!

Ana: sure. You also.

2003-02-09T17:36:00.000-08:00

THINK POSITIVE ANA! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!

2003-02-09T05:21:00.000-08:00

ever watched this tv series?? it used to be one of my favorite tv shows before... crush ko kase ung naka-eye glasses. cute nya! hehehe...

2002-12-26T21:48:00.000-08:00

Family Portrait

*what can you say bout this situation? Please do comment on this...

Your mom starts acting weird these past few months. She becomes conscious ‘bout the way she looks. You see her buying new clothes frequently, accessories, etc. which she never did before. She comes home late and she excuses traffic. One night, you accidentally hang up the extension line of your phone and caught her talking to a guy and that happened twice while everybody’s sleeping. You read a sweet quote from your mom’s cell phone and that message came from that guy and she don’t even bother to erase it. And lastly, you found a small card (the one usually attached to gifts) inside your mom’s bag and you wouldn’t imagine what the note contains. You almost past away sa sobrang sama ng loob. It’s like a short letter and ending up with…

I love you dear,
Ricky

Should you panic or stay NR (no reaction at all)? Maybe he’s just her friend… best friend to be exact! Nah… would a guy leave a message like that to his friend?? What’s happening here? Should you talk to your younger brother about it? Or to your father instead?? Or better ask your mom what’s it all about? Or just presume that that jack ass sicko is actually a gay??

2002-12-19T22:28:00.000-08:00

LOVESONG FOR NO ONE

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me

Finally got this lyrics from Ronette’s blog.

Anyways…

I have to have self-control. I must be careful now, extra careful. I am going through an old familiar feeling again and I don’t like it. So before I fall into something that I know I’ll regret later on, I must put an end on it.

Haaayyyy…. There’s no way a man can fall for me. I am not matured enough both physically and mentally, I act like a total dumb ass in front of people, I don’t know how to communicate with the opposite sex, I don’t know how to do things in a “woman’s way”, my image is like a goodie good two shoes (tama ba?), I sucked most of the time, say some stupid nonsense things, very low self-confidence and being embarrassed most of the time… demmmmmmmmiiitttttt!!!!!!

See, my case is hopeless. And what I don’t like about myself is that I anticipate things to happen, then soon after I’ll get depress ‘cuz it not turned out the way I had expected it to be. Get it? So who’s to be blamed?? I remember what Ms. Student Council told us about self-talks. Be careful of what you’re saying to yourself. You might get the wrong idea and end up being hurt. something like that. Yeah, she’s right. So maybe, I’ll just focus my attention to myself and not to others so that I could avoid assuming and imagining things that are impossible to happen. LOVE SUCKS!

2002-12-19T18:33:00.000-08:00

Vacation again!!! I really need a long break, or else, I’ll lose my sanity. I am starting to hate my current section. As days go by, the more I know who’s rotten from who’s not. And sad, the one that I found lately rotten was close to my heart. Joy, one of my tropa, was starting to be bossy. It’s like she bought us to be her slave and do whatever she commanded us to do. We’re like robots without a mind of our owns. Ahhhh…. It sucks! I am beginning to get tired of her. Jason started to change. He’s not the same Jason I’d known 2 sems ago. I thought he’s different from other guys, guess I’m wrong. He’s just one of those typical jerks—selfish!

Rowell Dy, a new classmate of mine and Jason’s tropa, is giving me the creeps right now. He was my seatmate at Finance and I don’t like him. He was sooo proud of himself as if he knows everything. SM (Simpleng Mayabang). He likes to impress others. Ang yabang, pero ang lakas ng dating! I don’t usually feel “this” since we were seatmates… well, last Wednesday, we were in the computer lab and I was seated at the back. Sira ‘yung computer nya eh me bakante pang seat dun sa tabi ko so he went there. I told him na “oi sira yan.” Umupo pa rin sya dun and the next thing that happened was I was sharing na my computer with him… ayy… mali pala. Parang ako na yung nakiki-share kasi parang sya na yung nag-co-control dun! Di ako mapakali kasi he was so close to me and suddenly, I feel H-O-T. Weird. So little by little, I move my chair (the one with rollers) away from him pero mas lalo pa nyang dinidikit ung upuan nya saken! I feel the “electricity” rushing all over my body and if I don’t make a move to get away with it, I’ll collapse! Thank goodness Jocelyn was seated next to me so I went to her place and pretend that I was asking her something. That’s the first time I feel that “thing”. I don’t know what to call that but definitely, I’m not sexually aroused! At that time, I can’t breath, I feel so conscious and I can’t concentrate. The result??? I failed our test. Shit.

Since that incident happened, I don’t want him to be my seatmate anymore. How I wish there will be a revamp on our seating arrangement in Finance. If this thing continues, I’ll die early. I talked to Jocelyn and told her what I felt. And surprisingly, she felt the same thing too everytime she seated next to him. So we wondered why… and we end up a conclusion na maybe… may gayuma sya! Hehehe….

2002-12-14T01:54:00.000-08:00

December 9, 2002

I went to Makati Square alone after lunch to get my phone repaired. Unfortunately, there’s no hope for it unless I buy a new board and that costs 2000 box. Nah! Too expensive! But I can smell a new phone coming… hmmmm…. so goodbye 6150… I’ll surely miss you!

So after getting that crap, I went in the book sale and bought 2 novel books (P35.00 each), which entitled “A taste for Death” and “Act of Darkness”. I am beginning to read the last one.

Anyways, due to the absence of our bisexual professor in math, I decided not to attend school. I just hope many will do the same…

Talking about school, well… compared to the last sem, I can say that it’s much better. Most of the time we’re feeling out of placed because we’re only three. Nagkahiwa-hiwalay din mga tropa ko. 3 kami sa J, dalawa sila sa I, tapos 2 irregular. ‘yun nga lang, classmate namin sila Jason kaya okay na rin kahit pano.

First impression to section J. I thought it was a freak show, the one that you see in carnivals, except that they are physically normal. Mixed people, strange looks, bizarre manners… etc… etc… so let’s start!

*wait…! if you’re thinking na masyado akong mapanlait or what, stop reading and close this window….

my tropas like to call our classmates by “names”. Meaning, we’re calling them names so that it won’t be obvious that it’s them we’re talking about. And here are the lucky ones:

1.) Killer Smile – she was my former classmate last sem. During those good old days, we used to call her “flirt” (the word speaks for itself). She smiles every second (I don’t know if that’s normal), and you’ll never see her frown especially in front of guys. She likes talking to guys about intimate things, which is really a hot one. She likes showing off her pearly white teeth most of the time as if Her hobbies are making pa-cute, and scrubbing her “bumper” on a guy’s braso.

2.) Hydrocephalus a.k.a. Tweety – I prefer calling her the first one pero it’s the same din naman eh. This big-headed girl really pisses me off right now. She’s Killer Smile’s tropa and she’s the opposite of her. Every time we see her, or passed her by, she’s always making faces. What’s her problem huh? I heard that she has a crush on Benito, so what?? Sabi ko nga : “No ba yan? Ang panget na nga, lalo pang pinapapanget ang sarili!” Leche!

3.) Hangin – we’ve been classmates 2 sems ago but I never thought that he would turn into that. Before he was quiet and shy-type (pero nasa loob kulo) maybe because of his unusual face, now he was swallowed up by his pride. Overconfident ba! I don’t care kung medyo kumapal na mukha nya kaya lang parang di lang bagay.

4.) Red Armies: Red 1 – he’s nice naman. No negative comment. Red 2 – Killer Smile’s latest victim. They were seatmates on one subject and this poor guy really needs help! Red 3 – he’s Manrique. That’s all. Red 4 - the latest member of the army.
*wonder why red armies?? They have the same red faces. Weird huh?

5.) Topak – she has a big attitude problem. Me sayad ata?

Enough of that list. My conscience is starting to bug me. but I can’t help it eh. I’m not that bad, am I? :)

2002-12-14T01:52:00.000-08:00

November 8, 2002

Juls called a couple of minutes ago. He, I mean, she, whatever, was my former schoolmate and a good friend way back elementary days. He wants me to go there (SMS) now! He’s taking pictures of I don’t know what (buildings of school??) and he’s taking in charge on the arrangement of the upcoming grand reunion of batch ’96. What the…??? That’s our batch! Oh no….no…this can’t be happening! I don’t want to go. So I am picturing out what will happen. We’ll talk bout nonsense things, try to brag things that they’d accomplished, ‘names’ we called each other, and reminisce those embarrassing moments… SHHIIIIYYYEETTTT!!!!!!!!!

Honestly, I don’t want to see them again. I hate my grade school years. God knows how much I hate it. Where can you find a teacher who’s a gossipmonger?? Imagine that. She has a psychological defect, I understand that, but she doesn’t have the right to destroy the credibility of us by spreading false rumors to one another. All of us where her victims, nobody escapes her. That’s how deadly she is. Every word she said to us, will forever mark in our minds. And I’ll never forget what she did to my friend. One day, all of our classmates went home and the cleaners were remained, she asked us: “Sinu-sinong may putok dito?” We were curious and we don’t know how to react. I smelled myself (definitely it’s not me!) and saw the others doing the same. Then she continued :”Wala dito sa room. Naamoy nyo ba si Cristina Morte? Eh si ganito?? Lakas noh? HAHAHA!!!”. And we all agreed and somehow, I felt relieved ‘cuz I’m not included in the list. After that, many of us avoided her ‘cuz of that accusation. And it’s not fair! She even cried because of that. Often times, she’s discriminated, making a laughing stock of the whole class. But that’s over now, my friend…

I’d done my best in everything. I recited, always participated to our discussion, done my assignments and projects well, and I even got the top 8 spot for the NEAT exam. I know, I deserve to have an honor, my grades are quite higher compared to the others, but the favorization is really hard to deal with. It’s just frustrating knowing you’ve given your 101% and gets no recognition at all. Since then, nawalan na ‘ko ng ganang mag-aral. And my happy-go-lucky mentality comes to life…

I felt trapped. I can’t choose to hang with guys I want to hang out with. Why?? Faith and Julius considered me as “their” best friend and since they’re the most influential kids in the school, can’t leave them. Every time I’m with another, they’ll get mad. I even started a fight between Rose (the other group) and Faith (never ending rivalry) without knowing I did it. That’s not all, Janet was starting bullying me. I chose to be a quiet kiddo, with limited words to say, so that people won’t say anything against me. But as I said, nobody escapes the gossipmonger…

We were having this live performance with a minus one song. One by one we’re singing. ‘twas my turn. Out of nervousness, I forgot the lyrics and all of them were laughing at me! demmit!! And this Carlos started teasing me by doing what I’d done. He stopped for a while and came back with a big irritating one. During those days, I often got colds. I sniff most of the time, and I can feel the mucus getting harder on my nose, and shit! It was my time to report! A classmate of mine gave me a sign that there’s a bogger on my nose, I turned around and get it rid. After that, Carlos humiliated me. “yuck!! Me kulangot! Ang laki-laki mo na kadiri! Bull shit. Everyday he’s ruining my day.

Those people were making me sick. And now we’re bound to see each other again, puta! Ayoko talaga! Got to think of an effective alibi… hhmmmm….. can’t think of any…. Ahhhhhh!!!!!

2002-12-02T04:41:00.000-08:00

Guess who’s back…

So the second semester started. Nothing’s new… well… except that I’d changed my lifestyle a little bit. Hehehe… guess Bhing brainwashed me. I feel so inspired and confident ‘cuz my former classmates starts to notice me. You know, greeting me with some complementing words like “Uy! Tumataba ka ah!” “Blooming ka! Me syota ka na noh?” I just smile and laugh….. and then smile again. It’s really flattering. Gosh! :)

Just what I had expected, Manrique and the rest of the “gang” keeps on bullying me. Why those jerks! Hmp! I don’t know what that stupid monkey want! I stay away from him as possible, avoided him but he just keeps on coming. I don’t know what to do with that talking ape. Often times I saw him staring at me which irritated me most, then he’ll call my name ten times kasi ayokong lumingon. Fuck him! And worst, he invented stories which is not true. Like one time, I was an hour early for our first class. I decided to go to the C.R to spent for the remaining minutes kc wala pa kong kasama. Then when I went out, I saw Manrique and he said: “Kanina pa ko dito ah. Bakit di kita nakita?” then I said: “Pakelam mo?! Nasa CR ako eh!” then he said: “Tagal nun ah! Tumae ka noh? Ayyy… tumae si Ana!!” then he went to Jason’s place and spread the rumor. Shit! And I was like “Noooo…nooo…that’s not true!” I was embarrassed.

So what will happen next? I don’t want to find out.

=========

I’m renting a computer again. It sucks! I miss my pc!!! God knows how much I do.. I miss my blog. Wish I could write more but my time is limited. Bullshit.

I’m outta here..

2002-11-06T16:32:00.000-08:00

October 29, 2002

I really had a great time yesterday. Bhing and I went to Ronette’s house at about 10:00 am. We’re planning to watch an X-rated movie but due to unexpected incident, we have to be contented watching MTV na lang.

So I accompanied them to St. Scho, which reminded me of Sta. Isabel (my former school on my first grade). And my impression was totally different from what those guys were telling me. Let’s skip that part. After their assessment, we went to our second home—GLORIETTA! As usual, we’d done our ritual—the round trips, window shopping, boy hunting, etc.. I also bought a necklace. Then we went to our new found “tambayan”. It was really cool, the ambiance was great, the air is fresh, plus the people there, executive-looking-type, makes me think we’re one of them. Hehehe… We ordered coffee at starbucks. The taste was ahhh…..strange. So I kept on complaining why is it like that? And how odd, no matter how many sugars I put in it, it still taste the same. First time really sucks!

While we’re sipping on our coffees (I was forced to drink it all, sayang P75.00!), we talked about many things. Reminiscing high school life, what happened to this particular person, our psychopathic teachers, some memorable events (mga kalokohan), blah blah blah… And we therefore conclude that the saying is true: “High school is the best!” And even though nothing significant happened to us, we’re not part of the crowd and remained a low profile during those days, it’s still worth remembering….

---------------

November 3, 2002

You-know-it-all’s

I read this mag and this article caught my attention. It is entitled “HOW TO HANDLE YOU-KNOW-IT-ALL’s”. Obviously, I can relate to what the writer was saying. It’s really hard to get along with those kind of people, based on experience. As of now, I had only encountered two of them. And I don’t want to come across with another one! I met this first one during my elementary days and wow, eight years was really tiring. Imagine, listening to her weird stories almost everyday. Poor me, can’t do anything but to pretend that I’m listening ‘cuz I’m afraid that she’ll spank me off and I know she can do that, with that kind of body, nothing is impossible to her. And my cavalry continues til we reach our house (she was my neighbor), oh my! (she’s Janet, by the way). So college came and I met another one (wow. talk about destiny!). Just like the first one, she’s also nice and I find her cool knowing everything—assignments, projects, school activities, current events, music, and even chismis about the other sections and classmates. I like to listen to the last one, chismis about Abby, Paolo, Pao’s gigantic gf-Maja, Angel, and the others. Ask her something else, she’ll provide you an answer. But try to pay attention on what she’s saying, it makes no sense. It was like hell, you know. One time, I tested her. I asked her something (I knew the answer of course and only few knew that). Then she answered me with a long, lingering reply. Obviously, she doesn’t know what she’s saying. hmmm… she’s pretending again… everyday that’s the scenario. She’s telling me stories and I just smile at her, acting as if I’m interested, but my mind is wandering somewhere else. “you’re not insensitive, aren’t you? Just shut up that big fucking mouth of yours and leave me alone!” How I wish I could say that in her face, but I was brought up in a proper way. Now that the first sem is over, and she’s not my classmate anymore, I thought I’m finally free from her shadows, guess I’m wrong. She texted me a while ago, she asked for my sched. And her ex will be my classmate this coming sem. Connection?? Well, she’s still in love with him and she’ll come and disturb me as often as possible so that it won’t be obvious that she’s making pa-cute to her ex by using me. Oh no. That won’t happen ‘cuz I’ll leave our classroom early, go somewhere else, somewhere where she couldn’t find me and be back late for the next class.

This sem will be the worst sem ever! Wonder why I said that??

[1.] Jason and company will be my classmate and Benito’s case will be brought up again.
[2.] Manrique will start bugging me and my day will be ruined.
[3.] Mika, the you-know-it-all-girl, and her never-ending stories and interrogation bout her ex.
[4.] I lost my trust in Jason, a good friend of mine way back then…
[5.] Jocelyn and Joy disappointed me.

Yeah, it’s just an ordinary teenage problem. Slowly, I’m getting used to it and I’m learning to deal with it. Wish I had learned this early, couple of months from now, I’ll be turning 20, meaning more complicated problems to deal with.

---------------

So last Sunday was Michelle’s birthday. I don’t know that. She’s lucky to have her old friends remembered it. Unlike me, even though we communicate a lot, they still haven’t greeted me until now, and it’s quite depressing… Ah nevermind! BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY anyway!

2002-10-27T00:55:00.000-07:00

Alright! After that shocking revelation, I’m doing great. And my recovery is incredibly fast. Wow. I didn’t expect that. I thought it’ll take centuries. But who knows? Thanks to my friends who gave me some words of wisdom, to the radio, tv networks who keeps me company on those sleepless nights, and of course, my computer—the internet, especially blogger ‘cuz it let me write down my deepest thoughts and supplications. And I learned from a friend that that fucking shit, ass whole, bully, arrogant, brainless, swollen headed moron was really an imp! Despite of his ingenuously looks, the devil inside him really stinks. And now, I don’t feel anything for him, which is apparently good. I’m not angry--- oops! I’ll be a hypocrite if I say that. Oh, I forgot to thank BATS! It’s actually a computer game. You have to shoot all the bats and other creatures in order to defend earth from possible invasion. And I’m imagining Benito’s head while hitting those monsters. Ha! He belongs to the same breeding naman eh! And I'll never stop playing until i kill them all!!!!

2002-10-25T20:25:00.000-07:00

Still figuring out what had exactly happened yesterday. How did it happen and why. And the word Trying hard keeps on playing inside my head just like a pirated cd playing over and over again and it never stops. I feel like I’m going crazy asking myself why did I let that happen. I have no strength to defend myself. I’m still at shock. I can’t believe that he could say such things. And eventhough he didn’t mean it, it’s still the same. It’s said and done. Until now I’m crying. I just can’t help it. I tried to be brave as I can but those words keeps on breaking me apart. I don’t know where to start finding myself again. I felt betrayed, humiliated, and destroyed. I don’t get it. Why me? I haven’t done anything. Yeah right. They’re all laughing at me. Life goes on have to move on now. I am psychologically and emotionally stressed out. I’m tired of over thinking…

But you know what? Now I really appreciate having my friends, Ronita and Bhing. They’re the best and I’m fortunate knowing them. I know I can count on them anytime, tried and tested. I really thank God. I could live without guys, but living without such good buddies, I don’t think I’ll survive… I can find as many man as I can, but true friends only once, and I think I couldn’t find anyone like them anymore… Thanks guys!

----------

…hi! I made a letter for you. Hope you could read this one, unfortunately, you can’t. Here it goes anyways….

What’s up?? I’ve been thinking bout you lately and I’d only slept 4 hours coz I was troubled by the thoughts of you… Wrong! It’s not about romantic stuffs, if that’s what you think. Let me get this straight to the point and settle this once and for all. I was deceived by your looks, became obsessed, done some silly things just for you to notice me, fell for you once… and swear, that won’t happen again! Now I know what kind of horrible beast hiding inside you! Boy. You really got a lot of nerves to insult me like that. “Trying hard na maging gf ko, habol ng habol, feeling…” that’s your opinion, okay. so look who’s talking? Believe me, I don’t want to say anything against you, but I can’t control it na eh. I’m only human. I feel like a bomb ready to explode anytime…

PUTANG INA MO!!! ALAM MO BA ‘YUN? UNTIL NOW I’M TRYING TO CONVINCE MYSELF THAT IT WAS ALL A BAD DREAM, IT NEVER HAPPENED… BUT IT DID!!! FUCK! HOW I WISH I COULD LIVE A NORMAL LIFE AGAIN, DO THE SAME THINGS WITH DETERMINATION AND FULL OF INSPIRATION. NOW YOU RUINED IT! YOU’RE REALLY GOOD AT MESSING UP THINGS AND TRASHING OTHER’S FEELINGS! CONGRATULATIONS! I LOST MY CONFIDENCE AND INTEGRITY. AND WORSE, I FEEL LIKE LOSING RESPECT FOR MYSELF! DAMN YOU!!! I DON’T GET IT. I JUST DON’T GET IT!! WILL SOMEBODY EXPLAIN THIS TO ME?? I KNOW NAMAN NA WALA KA TALAGANG FEELINGS FOR ME UNA PA LANG. KELANGAN PA BANG IPAGDULDULAN SA’KEN ‘YUN?? HINDI NAMAN AKO MANHID EH! NOW I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO FEEL. JUST GET LOST!!! PUTANG INA MO!!! GAGO KA!! YOU’RE SICK!! SOBRANG LAKI NA NG ULO MO, WALA NAMANG LAMAN!!! KAPAL TALAGA NG MUKHA MO!!! GRABE KA!!

Inhale…. Exhale… inhale…. Exhale…. Okay. I don’t care if you actually said it or Manrique was making stories or what. I’m not bothered by that. But what worried me most was the impact it made to my whole personality. I’m doubting of who I really am. Do I really know me? It’s not easy building the lost faith, but I must. Today is a new day. have to start picking up the broken pieces and put them all together. Have to prove to you and to them that you’re all wrong. I’m getting stronger as days pass by. Thanks to you…

MAKARMA KA SANA!!!!

2002-10-13T22:40:00.000-07:00

I’ll be leaving tomorrow for my one-week vacation at Mindoro. This journey will be very significant for me because this will be my first time to travel that far. Imagine, from Pasay to Pinamalayan, it really gives me the creeps. I’m excited at the same time, nervous and scared. What if something bad happen to me? I dreamt that I’ll will die tomorrow… I am dying and the people around me don’t care. Well, just in case something happen to me (I’m getting paranoid already), please tell my family how much I love them, especially my mom and dad. I am sorry that I can’t make up for the things I’d done, it’s too late though. To my friends, thank you very much. I’m not trying to make a scene here, if you’re thinking that. I’m just preparing for the possible outcome, just in case… just pray for my safety na lang!!!

2002-10-10T23:40:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, under some circumstances, it’s good to shut up your mouth and play blind bout the things that are happening around you (even though you know that you have the right to fight for what you think is right) than to let others know what you really feel inside just not to hurt other’s feelings.

==========

Destiny, a.k.a. fate, future, divine intervention, or things that will occur. So what’s up with that?? To believe or not to believe, that is the question. But I think the answer will depend on each of everyone of us. Personally, I don’t believe that such thing exists. Why? First, God gave us freewill to choose, whether to take the smooth road or to take the rocky one, the choice is vested upon us. Nobody dictates us what to do, if you are suffering from cerebral palsy, you are exempted. Like what I had said to my previous blog, I am like this because I chose to be like this. Second, according to Life Strategies Loser Rules no.2 “it is written in the stars”
I used to be addicted to horoscopes before. Yeah, some of them are true but some are really hard to believe. It says there that Leos are born leader, strong-minded, aggressive and needs to be treated a royal queen or king just like a lion. Oh com’on! I’m stubborn but not strong-minded, helloo!! I am easily persuaded and if ever I’ll lead a group, expect the worse. Ha! And nobody treats me like a queen! Madame Rosa said that horoscopes and the like, are formed just to serve as an inspiration or guide for our everyday life. Ooooo…

Destinies are for movies only. I don’t know what’s the use of it. Maybe to make the viewers be envious? After I saw Serendipity, I felt overwhelmed and full of hope. But then, as I dwell on it, I realized that it was more of a science fiction pala than a romance film.

Destiny and signs are different. I don’t believe in destiny but I do believe in signs. Signs are like signals. These are secret codes that we encounter in our daily lives. It’s either you get it or you don’t (see Life Strategies).

A poet once said:
”The world’s biggest lie…is one’s destiny…”

2002-10-09T23:04:00.000-07:00

Holy shit. Told yah, Neva and Ramon are you-know-what-I’m-talking-about. Once again, my intuition didn’t let me down. Chris were “torpe” daw. Seems he is already courting someone. (sorry for the bad news Ronette). Found it all at Chris’ comments.

For the first time in my life, I had drunk 8 glasses of water yesterday and that sends me to a new guiness record. Amazing. You know, I kinda don’t like to drink much fluids especially water ‘cuz I feel like drowning and I tend to urinate most of the time which irritates me a lot. Actually I’m averaging 2-3 glasses a day and I’m contented with that. I don’t feel like dehydrating naman eh.

So what inspired me to beat my previous record?

Well, I’m growing older already. I’m 19 years old but still looks like 17. I have no curves. I have no “future” nor “behind”. Darn. And I’ll never forget what Percito told me. “Bakla ka ba??” Why that knit-wit!!! Have to do something. Have to eat A LOT and drink A LOT. It would be a difficult task for me since eating is one of my hatiest thing to do.

2002-10-08T18:27:00.000-07:00

Last Monday, Joy and I went to SM Manila to watch Tuxedo. Jennifer Love Hewitt was really pretty there and Jackie Chan was awesome. The movie was hilarious and at the same time, full of incredible stunts and high-tech gadgets.

Yesterday I attended seminar. Joy invited me. I found out late that it was about E-Marketing pala! I thought it was about programming or something which is related to computers that’s why I came. Joy and Jocelyn left early but Jovie and I continued it up to the last minute. Obviously, I can’t relate to what the speaker is talking. Anyway, I gained some insights naman eh.

The speaker said that there were 3 types of people:
1. People who WATCH things happen.
2. People who MAKE things happen.
3. People who WONDERS what will happen.

===============

RP Selecta team lost. As always, China squad dominating the game, leaving Phil. 30 points behind. They’re playing without any emotions. Damn. Menkee Bateer, which I learned he’s from Mongolia, and Yao Minh plus Gong Xio Bin are really powerful. They’re unbeatable! They’re not humans, they’re monsters! My mom said “pagwapuhan na lang o!” and my brother kept on praying. Aw shacks. I had expected the Philippines will lose but not that way. It was really devastating…

2002-10-06T17:50:00.000-07:00

I hate dial ups. Every now and then it disconnects. Oh boy. Anyway, I’m left here all alone in our house. They went to Greenbelt to watch “Spy kids 2”. Ate Mabel went to Evangelista, and my dad, to work again. Bhing called me last week I think. We had some chitchats on what happened to her on Grand Boulevard Hotel. She happened to be one of the usherettes there for the contest. She was saying that there were these two cute guys from La Salle and blah blah blah… aside from their good looks, they also got brains plus the “manners”! Other schools are also there delegating for the contest: UST, St. Scho, Pamantasan ng Makati, Ateneo, etc.. Bhing also told me that the tension between the La Salle and Ateneo could be felt all over the place and the announcers were being biased since they came from the said schools. You could also see the discrimination among them (the schools). It’s like the Green Archers vs. the Blue Eagles only. Hey, it’s not basketball okay! The La Sallians won leaving the Ateneo’s in the 4th place.

Okay, so what? Centro is not there for the contest so why do I care?? And even if they sent a contestant, I’ll say the same thing. I’m not affected. Lol!

What made me ponder was what Bhing asked me and until now, it makes me think. Students from La Salle and Ateneo are so confident enough to do things without seeing any pressure in their faces and you can tell that they are so certain of what they are doing. They seem to enjoy life unlike us, ordinary people. They carry themselves well especially in the crowd. They have everything—the talents, the looks, brains, plus the money. What can you ask more? Name it, they all have it. AND WHY IS THAT?? Try to compare them to other schools or to other people. They really stand out. Maybe because of two reasons:
[1.] They grew up with a good family background.
[2.] They are physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, socially and spiritually satisfied. Reminds me of the BYC boys…

And that thinking led me to depression… Maybe that’s why I’m like this—weak, loser, whimp, dork, timid, worthless, stupid, a sniffle and the like… I’m not trying to pity myself or downing myself too much, but that’s the truth. Sometimes I blame my parents why I grew up like this. They didn’t give me freedom to do things, to experience things on my own. But then, I know it’s wrong to find fault on anyone, especially them. I grew up like this because I chose to be like this.

Well, my life is not that bad. Actually, I love who I am. I have a family who’s very supportive (un nga lang, me pagka-“conservative”!) friends whom I can count on, and of course, the Lord up there who’s always there for me. See, I’m so blessed!

2002-10-05T22:24:00.000-07:00

i got this tag board on my blog. let's see how it works....

2002-10-04T22:28:00.000-07:00

Today, at this very moment, I’m feeling so much confident and bursting with determination. I feel so inspired. I’m planning to build my own website. Yup, you heard me right. A website—MY OWN WEBSITE. What can you say?? Sounds interesting huh? It’s not easy though, but I must try. It would be a great achievement for me.

Anyway, check out this site it’s really cool!
Howstuffworks

2002-10-03T20:07:00.000-07:00

Days are passing me by. I’m feeling useless again. I’m living a dreary life doing the same boring things over and over again everyday. Wake up 8:00am…eat breakfast…watch TV…internet…eat lunch…take a bath…watch TV…internet…watch TV…eat dinner…watch TV…sleep…wake up 8:00am…eat breakfast…watch TV… haaayyy…. See, that’s how interesting my life is. Full of energy and excitement! Geee… Got to do other things but what? Can’t think of any.

Goddamn. I want to go to other places and explore the unexplored. I want to do some stuffs that I’d never done in my whole life. I want to fly and float to the sky. I want to experience things that I’d never gone through before. But how?? I’m thirsting for adventure. I want to have a car and drive the whole day…

2002-10-03T01:38:00.000-07:00

*Please don’t read. I need privacy*

(Can’t resist huh?)

Third year first sem had just come and go just like an ordinary day. You won’t notice it until it comes to its end. Don’t have any special memories to keep with except for meeting some bizarre people and acting like a total chump just to fit in. I’m starting to complain again. Enough.

I saw Benito yesterday. At least I had a glimpse of him before the sem ended. Heheh… I confess, I still feel something for him. I don’t know…

Flashback…

Jocelyn and I were so excited because we’re finally out of the mess we’ve gone through. Camille was also there with us. Everything’s so new now from the time we left F. New choices, new sets of friends, new outlook…etc… also, we have to stand on our own now, since we are no longer benefited by our source. We never regretted why we moved out. Before that day came, I made a promise to myself never fall or have a crush on anyone on that room. Then the big day came, first day of classes. I saw Zaldy Adoyo, who’s really an eye magnet at that time. I find him cute, that’s all. Weeks passed, I’m still focused on my studies. Until fine one day, while our prof was concurrently discussing, the door opened and ‘he’ emerged out of nowhere. “oh-oh” is all I can say at that time. Something bad will happen.

I tried hard to avoid him and not to be bothered by his presence. I’m not even looking at him, as in dead ma. I thought, mahirap na, baka lumala. We were having this activity in Foxpro, when Wally Manrique borrowed my notes. When I’m about to get it, he told me that it was gone. He don’t know where it is. I got irritated and I almost shouted him. He went to Benito and told me na nasa kanya daw! I got even irritated. Putang ina. Wally noticed that I was annoyed so he gave back my notes and to my dismay, lukut-lukot na sya.

Then we were having Prelim exam. I was seated at the front, facing the wall when I accidentally eavesdropped on their conversation. Adoyo, Jason and Manrique were talking about us, Benito and me, saying that perfect-match daw kami. Bullshit. Then the teasing stuff begun and my school days was not the same anymore…

Christmas vacation came. Every night I dreamt of him. I’m counting off days til classes resumes. I spent my days making letterings of his name. Noooo!!! I broke my promise… I think I’m in love…

We had an activity on Filipino which requires a newspaper. I forgot to bring one so Jocelyn and I went to Mendiola just to look for that. We were gasping as we approached the room. There was an extra newspaper so I decided to give it to my classmates. Nag-uunahan silang lahat. hehehe…

Me: Hoy kanino na lang ‘to?!
Wally: Ako, ako!!
Benito: Akin na lang!
Me(Staring at him): Bayaran mo!
Benito: Mag-kano?
Me: Ahmmm… bente?
Benito: ha? O sige.
Me: P6.00 na lang.
Benito: Eto o (P10.00)
Me: Hindi, ‘wag na.
Benito: Cge na.

Naghihiyawan na silang lahat. I acted as normal as I can. Breathing exercise really helped me a lot. I am starting to panic at that time na eh. *Whew*

After a week, we were dismissed early. We were left in the classroom because we were waiting for somebody. Nasa labas kami ng pinto. Benito, Wally, Jason and Adoyo were also there inside the room. To my surprise, Wally asked me kung pwede daw hatid ako ni Benito! Shit. Then I saw Adoyo pushing Benito towards me. I don’t know what to do. Jocelyn and the gang were laughing at us. I feel like I was being embarrassed. Pinagtutulakan nila sa’ken si Benito. Pinagalitan kami ng teacher kasi ang ingay daw namin! Pumasok ule sa loob si Benito, then the next thing that I saw was nagbabatuhan sila ng bag ni Adoyo. Because of embarrassment, I walked out. Jocelyn and the rest followed.

So there, you can’t blame me kung umasa man ako sa kanya. He doesn’t react kasi pag tinutukso siya. Mas gusto ko pa siyang makitang nagma-make face o minumura sila, kaso, hindi eh. Di ko lang ma-take ung mga pinaggagagawa ko. I confronted Jason and asked him what the hell was that?? He just smiled and asked me why? I also asked my friends to ask Benito’s group. Clerino told Donna that Trip-trip lang ata ‘yun eh! I almost cried upon hearing that. Now I know and everything’s clear. No more false hopes. Back to reality.

Thank God those days are over. I’m still keeping his P10.00 on my wallet… if I could talk to him right now, I just want to say na: ‘okay na ko. wish you all the happiness…’

Plastic! No, what I really want to tell him is that “you’re such a dumb ass! Bullshit ka! Don’t worry, di na kita gusto so ‘wag mo na ‘kong deadmahin, irap-irapan at iwasan na para bang may sakit ako na nakakahawa! I don’t wanna see you’re fucking face again! Just get lost and everything will be fine!!!”

2002-10-01T18:04:00.000-07:00

Today is our last day. Woohoo! And I haven’t reviewed anything. I am confident enough coz I know, I can count on my classmates. Guess luck is on my side. Heheh… anyways, I’ll be going to Mindoro whether I like it or not. I’ll be staying there for a week and expect for a long blog when I come back! Okay, so the Oasis will be going here on October 23. Shacks. I don’t have any money for the concert. Demmit!

Still obsess with money…have to continue raising my fund…if only mom will increase my allowance…haaayyy…. =(

2002-09-30T07:25:00.000-07:00

I had this weirdest dream last night. The first scene was Chris Costello and I were standing in front of the bed. He looked like Marc Nelson and I looked like Patricia Javier daw! Haha. Then, I was carrying Chris’ child—meaning, I was pregnant one week or one month. (shacks! I missed the bed scene). Then I was shot by a gun in my left hand which left a big hole in it. The doctor came for the operation. Hindi ako pumayag kasi walang anesthesia so the bullet remained there. Next scene was Chris was watching Magandang Gabi Bayan downstairs and we heard na there was this “aswang” wandering around. I was afraid for the baby so we closed all the windows and doors. I was closing the last door na but some kind of unseen force was hauling it. I tried hard to pull it and I succeeded in closing it. Then we were lying na raw on this big bed with a mosquito net he was hugging me and he reached for my hand, and my mom was actually there sleeping beside me! And I haven’t introduced him to my mom! Wow. Because I was disturbed by that “aswang”, I haven’t gone to sleep and then 7:00 came, Chris and I was standing at the window watching the view. We were arguing if it is morning already or still night, (if its 7am or 7pm?) which is pretty weird. Third scene was we were watching “Betty la Fea” with Ate Mabel and a man on the sala. Betty and Sir Armando was walking as they talk and they’re with another man. Behind them was Marcella who was fuming with anger… Then I woke up.

Sheeks! Watta dream. Marami pang nangyari eh kaso di ko na sinulat lahat. I turned on the TV and watched “Unang Hirit”. I saw Marc Nelson. Oh men!!! I’m dead.

2002-09-28T19:27:00.000-07:00

Buried Alive

A hole in the ground -

Anyone around?

Worms will feast

On me, at least. Death.

I look up the walls

Build out of mud

With shiny scrapings

Caked with my blood.

My nails are all gone

And my fingers so sore:

Buried alive,

And I can't open the door.

My breath so shallow

As I lie there in peace

Dirt hits the coffin.

There is no release.

Screaming and shouting,

I hope to be heard

All is in vain -

They perceived not a word.

A tear down my cheek.

I am going to die.

Buried alive.

I cry.

The dirt is then poured

On top of my grave

No matter what,

I cannot be brave:

Screaming and bawling,

Lying in urine,

I hear Satan:

"Buddy, you're mine!"

Oxygen now low.

My head very light.

I have to die now.

Goodnight.

2002-09-28T01:53:00.000-07:00

i can't make this thing the way i want it to be!!! hhhheeelllpppppp!!!!!!!!!

2002-09-28T01:14:00.000-07:00

Back to business. I'm still trying to work on this commenting stuff. i'm not satisfied with the output so i have to edit some things again. hope it works this time...

2002-09-28T00:55:00.000-07:00

Okay. So Ronita’s feeling lost, and there she goes again. I told her many times that all she needed to do is to be "P-A-T-I-E-N-T". That’s all. We’re still students, we cannot do anything except to strive hard studying on our own chosen fields. But it seems that she can’t cope up with the depression she’s going through right now. Tsk tsk tsk… I feel sorry for her.

On the brighter side, I have a GOOD NEWS!!! My mom’s friends, whom are currently working at Ohio and San Francisco, are e-mailing her. And they said that there are lots of jobs there, mamimili ka na lang kung alin ang tatanggapin mo. The one from Ohio is working now at a gasoline station and the other one from a restaurant chain. Wow. I asked my mom kung pa’no sila nakapunta dun. She told me that nag-apply ata sila ng tourist visa. They reasoned out na they’ll attend a seminar there and after 2 months, the visa will expire, so they have to renew their contract there. Hmmm…. Parang masaya un ah! Magaya nga… (hehehe..)

My stomach is out of order again. I can feel it boiling already. Time for me to go to the bathroom again…! Shacks! Gotta go…

2002-09-27T03:40:00.000-07:00

I am supposedly doing our project in Turbo Pascal but here I am writing another entry again. Holy shit. I just can’t make that program run. I give up. I’m already fed up reading that damn book. I haven’t learned anything. Reading that crop won’t do any better. Tomorrow will be the deadline of it. Shacks! And we haven’t done anything yet!! Gonna cross my fingers and hope that Elaine and 'demonyita' already made it. Have to pray to all the saints.

Please God, help us. To pass or not to pass, I’ll leave it all up to you…
*sigh*

2002-09-26T18:54:00.000-07:00

Finally got my commenting stuff working! Cool! So people out there (if any) if you have any violent reaction, comments, suggestions, and the like, feel free to write anything you want to say regarding my blog. Just look for the word “comment” at the top of my entry.

Thank you. = )

2002-09-26T18:24:00.000-07:00

Thank God it’s Friday. The tension yesterday between Elaine and My-so-called-friends(?) really made me sick cuz I don’t know where to stand. Lately, Elaine and I were becoming close, of all of them, I like her the most. But now, all of them were against her, they’re not even talking to her anymore. It’s like Elaine vs. The Republic of the Whores. So it’s kampihan pala! Elaine was only being transparent with her feelings, what’s wrong with that? And they were complaining about Elaine’s being moody, bossy and being ill tempered. Well look who’s talking? Now I don’t know kung pinaplastic din nila ako o hindi. I don’t care.

TOP 5 reasons why I don’t like them:

1. I feel unappreciated and out of placed most of the time.
2. They’re sooo corny and mababaw.
3. You’ll never know what’s authentic from synthetic.
4. I can’t relate.
5. They’ll just talk to you when they need something.

They were inviting me to nakakaburaot girl’s birthday this coming Sunday. All of them will come including: demonyita, flirty-flirt, mukhang-ewan and mukhang-ewan’s bf, the bitch and the dog (the bitch’s boyfriend), and anak-araw. I have no plan to attend that baloney-garbage party. I’d rather sit here in front of my computer than to be with a group of bozos like them. I’ll just waste my time.

====================

I ate sundae at Jollibee with Jocelyn. It’s almost 8:00 pm when we left there. We had some chitchats and I really had a great time. So there, I kept on complaining again how miserable my life in 3B is. I know, she understands my situation and it’s really hard to go along with conceited people and pretend that everything’s doing okay between you and them. Bullshit. I’m screwed up.

2002-09-25T19:46:00.000-07:00

FUCKING SHIT!!! Just read Ramon’s blog. Ahhhh…. So it’s true pala. Ramon and Neva are couples! What’s new? I’m broken hearted again… huhuhu…

Huh??! Why should I shed my tears over that stupid ass? He’s not worth it. Who does he think he is?? He’s just a trying hard moron who hates coños (but actually a “coño” himself!) So what if there’s something going on with the two of them? And Neva? Ramon finds it’s cute watching her with animals?? Yeah, she surely is an animal person. B*tch! If I know, she had a hidden agenda why she likes animals. If Ramon couldn’t give it to her, the animals will and she will end up gratifying herself. How immoral! Tsk tsk tsk… (You know what I’m talking about. If you can’t relate, sorry!) I’m not that bad, am I? =)

2002-09-25T18:48:00.000-07:00

So I am blogging again. Anyways, last Monday, we were eating at the Razz with my so-called “friends(?)” and guess who? Jayveen or Jayvee (whatever) of IV-St. Thomas, a former schoolmate of mine at Maria. He was the friend of “mukhang-ewan-girl’s” boyfriend. Whatta coincidence. Imagine, we were eating at the same table at it feels awkward you know. Ayoko ngang me makitang taga-Maria eh!

Yesterday was much more better compared to the previous days. I ate fishballs and it was really delicious! Yuuummm…. When I got home, I had a stomach ache and you know what happen next. Thank goodness there was an Imodium on our medicine box. *Whew*

7 days to go…..

My father asked me a while ago if I want to go to Mindoro since we have a one month semestral break. I said “NO, walang internet dun eh!”

2002-09-21T07:32:00.000-07:00

Ronita's blog was still down. BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! guess she was banned because of the silly things she had posted. And most of her blogs were all about nonsense things and was really "malaswa"!

Gee... pero kahit ganon, nakakamiss din pala! hehe....

hmmm... just curious, pano nya napipigilang hindi mag-blog eh blogger slave din sya??!!

(hey! if you're reading this, mag-create ka na lang ng new blog okay? NOW na! Tapos bigay mo sa'ken un address mo!)

2002-09-21T07:05:00.000-07:00

So I bet, tomorrow will be one of those humdrum days again. I’ll be going to “nakakaburaot” girl’s house to do our project in Marketing. I can already foretell what will be the scene for tomorrow. I’ll just sit at one corner, listen to their harebrained stories, and try hard to burst out laughing again everytime they joke… haaayyy… believe me, I’d done my best to reach out. I told them stories but it seems they are not interested, I often joke but they don’t have any reaction, I ask them questions but none of them are responding. Okay, if they don’t like me, I don’t like them either!! They’re just bunch of proud whores. DEMMIT!!!

Don’t worry Ana, 12 days to go and you’re out of this mess. = )